Emotional Safety=Sex
Speaker 1
Welcome to make love not war. This is our second podcast. And one thing I was thinking about would be a good thing to talk about today based on some feedback I've gotten from people that listen to our first one is about what does emotional safety mean? We glossed over that a little bit in our last one. Um, but I'd like to go more in depth with it and we'll use more than one podcast to go in depth with it. But today I'm going to talk about it just a little bit. So what exactly are you? What are you talking about? Well, so just like men, like more than one thing in the bedroom. We as women also have different angles. You can go about emotional safety for us. So that's why I'd like to cover it in a few different podcasts and talk to women about it.
Speaker 1
But today it's just you and me. So we're going to talk about one thing I've been thinking about and um, that is thinking about people who have been in longterm relationships and both partners have complaints and this is how they sound in my sessions often. And just hearing people talk about it is men are saying, you know, we used to have so much sex, it was awesome in the beginning, like all the time, daily, maybe more than once a day. And she misses that too by the way. But she also misses. Oh man, he used to really want to know about me. He'd asked me all these questions about myself and I really felt like he was super into me. We did all these fun new things together that we hadn't done before and it was just this really awesome period in our lives. And then they both say they think they can never get it back.
Speaker 1
But I don't think that's true. So what that period is called in our little psychobabble jargon terms is called limerence and it's, there is a chemical cocktail going on there. We have some, some hormones we're also creating that makes us even more excited about each other, but the thing that's happening, the reason that you're having so much more sex during that time is because she's feeling a lot more emotionally safe further into the relationship. I'm not talking about like the first two weeks, but like when it gets really good when you're both made a commitment and she's feeling super safe with you because you're being attentive to her, you're interested in her, you're listening to her, she feels you're listening to her more and this is the key thing with all those things. You're also experiencing new things together that you haven't done maybe with anyone else or at least with that with each other. You haven't done it and sometimes you have never done it before. And so those shared new experiences create this connection that's hard to replicate as you get further into a relationship.
Speaker 2
Yeah. So that's Kinda like, uh, whenever you watch the bachelor or whatever and they do some sort of thing in there. I don't know, they're doing something like bungee jumping or something like that and they get like this crazy connection like they're, they feel much closer to each other. Is that what you're talking about?
Speaker 1
That's exactly what I'm talking about. And then of course they have a picnic and drink wine. I mean, you know, you'd have to have that too, but yeah, that's exactly it and that's why I think that the dates on the bachelor, very smart, not because they're these crazy extravagant dates. You don't even need to do that, but just because they're new things that both people haven't done before and they're doing them together and experiencing them and also the other thing they do or like is that some of the dates you really had to trust each other because somebody is afraid of what they're doing and then then you lean on each other and you have that shared experience. So there's that. And then also the emotional safety for both people comes through making it through hard times together. Kinda like the, the dates are like a microcosm of that when something scary is happening, like your bungee jumping and one person's afraid of heights. Well, you know, you go through a death in the family or you go through job loss and things like that and you're there with each other that can bring you closer. So even looking back on the hard times and how you got through them together is really important.
Speaker 2
So whenever they've been in a relationship for a long time, what would be some of like how did they get back to that? Did they just go back and do you want me to do like do new stuff? Like what would be some ways to
Speaker 1
get that back? Well, one homework I give clients a lot that I really like and that there is a whole, you know, um, I don't know, like that's, it is my own little Jedi mind trick for my clients. Um, which is I, I, I give the homework of going on dates. Okay. Now that is totally vanilla homework, but the what I tell them to do is as you plan the date based on something you want to do, that you're going to bring your partner along with it and it doesn't matter if they like it or not. It's something you want to do. Maybe it's something you haven't done with your partner before because your lie, he or she's not going to really like that, but you're doing it together and it's a new experience for one of you and one of you is getting out of your comfort zone and the other person is encouraging you and then one person is being a good sport to try it. You know? So that is what we do on early dates that we don't do. As you get comfortable as you don't get out of your comfort zone for the other person, and when you do that, the person getting out of their comfort zone fills that endorphin rush and the person, the other person can feel that connection. Like, wow, I know that he just did something for me that he really didn't feel comfortable doing. And that really makes me feel loved that he did that for me.
Speaker 2
Do you have any suggestions on that?
Speaker 1
Sure. Her. Me and you. How about some horseback riding? Um, but you know, it's really like, it, it really could, it, it, it barely varies for every couple. So I mean it could be something as simple as Putt Putt when you know, the other person hates, hates golf, but you really want to try it all the way up to one of those nighttime plane rides when you know the other person is afraid of heights, but you know, you're going to make it safe or it could just be something as simple as I'm taking you to the movies and I'm going to bring you to maybe that I would really like, like, you know, some artistic long, boring thing that I think is awesome. You might fall asleep in it, but she went in that well, they'll fall asleep. But that would really make me feel loved and emotionally safe with you that you put forth that effort to get yourself out of your comfort zone. Okay, I'll mark that down. You have an idea,
Speaker 2
so is there any way to get back to some of that stuff? I mean like a lot of people, they just, I mean maybe they don't want to go do something new and they
Speaker 1
suck it up. Remember what I said earlier one. I mean seriously, we have to, we have to give a little in relationships. Both of us. Do you know, like, you know that I know you're super into racing. He loved to race cars. I don't like loud noises but you know, I need to go to a race with you. Okay, this is going to make me have to go to a race, but I need to suck it up and go because you love that and it wasn't. Oh my God, you would be. You would feel so loved if I went to one of those, you haven't gone. I know. Alright. So I need to do that and you need to go horseback riding. I mean we got a deal but yeah, I mean it's really, it's the effort and we get so comfortable with each other that we start protecting each other.
Speaker 1
We protect each other from new experiences. We know, like, I know you and I know that you're, there are certain things that I liked to do that you're not going to like to do. Like if go to a book signing, you're not a big fan of reading books. Um, you know, so maybe I would even plan to go that without you not even ask you, but you know what I need to ask you and you need to say yes. And same thing for you asked me to go to a race. I'll need to, I'll have to say yes after this, but sometimes we just need to be able to ask the other person too. I mean that's going to another point is we need to get out of our comfort zones to risk the ask. I, I really want you to go to this with me who I'm putting myself on the line because you could say no and it would crush me, but I'm going to trust you. I'm going to put it out there. I'm going to trust you.
Speaker 2
Yeah, but would it be done? Say now, what would he really doesn't want to go? What about that?
Speaker 1
Well then I know that I tried and I feel good about myself for that one to be mad at him. I would be disappointed. I think anybody would be disappointed. I think goes back to the in the regulation of your own feelings and knowing the other person has the total right to say no and you can feel disappointed and you can be angry and that's, that's your feeling. It's valid, but then you work through that with yourself and maybe you could even talk it out with the other person that goes into not defensive listening. We'll talk about that in another podcast, but yeah, you're going to have feelings about it of course, because you're taking a risk and it hurts when someone says no, but that maybe that person just isn't feeling good that day or they just really can't get out of their comfort zone.
Speaker 1
You know? The thing is is when you're a team, sometimes one person pulls in, the other person has to be led. You say no one time. Okay. You need me to pull in the relationship a little bit more. So another. Okay. So moving on. Another um, we talked about getting out of your comfort zone. So now I'm talking about getting back in your comfort zone. So there is definitely comfort in the early parts of a relationship, right? Because it just feels good. You got the chemical cocktail going on, man, you feel awesome. And so one another, another way to create this feeling of limerence and emotional safety and connection, more connection, more romance, more sex, all of that kind of stuff is to think about what are the things she used to like to do when you were first dating, what are some places that you went, can you revisit these places?
Speaker 1
And these can be physical places, these can be emotional places, these can be even just something that used to do, like playing used to love to play Uno together and you just haven't done it a long time or you know, going all the way to taking somebody back to where you had your first date. Even if it means getting a plane, getting on a plane and going or taking a long drive to get there, that's another way that we can recreate those feelings is either emotionally or literally going back and doing something that you once did, but you haven't done a long time together.
Speaker 2
Yeah. So it's Kinda like whenever you hear a song or something that whenever you were growing up or you were maybe, I don't know, some place whenever that happened, it just brings you back to that, that mind you're just like, time travels you back there.
Speaker 1
Yes, like a time travel. It's a great concept. And another thing is, is going back to things he used to do. Thinking about the senses. I'm like hearing a song you can send sensually, recreate. Oh No, that's essentially a sexually okay. Since she wesley, which is the senses. Well, and hopefully that will lead to sense. You will think, um, since you Wesley recreate things from your early days to like say when you were first dating, you know, we'll go to the cliche of you are so poor. You're eating ramen noodles. You know, maybe you can, um, master chef some ramen noodles and, you know, use the basic ones and dressed them up and have that tastes reminder, get some cheap wine, you know, like recreate some, those early dates that way through the senses. Maybe even buy a perfume or Cologne or used to wear and just, you know, put it on.
Speaker 2
These are all great ideas.
Speaker 1
I have them sometimes. That's really all I wanted to talk about today. I mean I just, uh, the emotional safety, that's a, that's a big thing. And it goes both ways. We've talked about how important sex is for men and sex is emotional safety from into and recreating these memories and these feelings. It, it makes both people feel good and if it. And if you end up in the end, the bedroom, recreating some old sexual positions that you used to use. So all the better for it. I mean then you even have a deeper connection. Both people do it. It's awesome.
Speaker 2
Alright, well why don't you tell everybody about how. So we've done one podcast, we're on our second one now and tell some people about some of the feedback that we've already got and then also some of the things that we put together as far as like twitter so they can find us.
Speaker 1
Oh, okay. Um, I was kinda wondering what you're wanting there. Um, uh, yeah, I, I, I am embarking on being technologically social media savvy for the first time. I know I'm a little late in the game but. So I did a joint twitter so I can be tweeting things. So our twitter is, you tell me what it is, what does it say it is at Tara Harrison. Okay. And it's called make more love but it's at Terra Harrison and I'm working on hashtags and everything. It's very exciting. When you did this semester. Yes, I did. So my hashtags or make more love, more sex, less arguing and more sex. So I will be posting tweeting, I'll be tweeting our podcasts on there, but we're also on itunes and what are the other, what's either stitcher. So please look us up there and download us and subscribe. And all of that fun stuff and I'm, I'm endeavoring to do at least one of these a week, if not more. And um, people have said they, they have questions and I would love to answer them. So please email me@makemoreloveatGmail.com. You can visit my website, Tara Harrison.com. I'm just, you know, send me a. He had to start smoke signals anymore. It's just, it's the, it's the thousands, but yes, send me communication. Let me know what you want. I'm excited about this and I just want to reach more people
Speaker 2
and we have some guests coming up so we've already got some people who want to be on the show. So.
Speaker 1
Yep. Yeah. So I have the next podcast or maybe the one after that. However the order goes, I am going to have, um, a colleague of mine who is an expert in working with men that's going to talk to me about how men can learn to regulate their emotions. And uh, so a lot of men have asked about that. How do they understand their own emotions? So we're going to do that. And then I have another guest that I'm going to talk to you about how men can detect women's feelings met going back to emotional safety again, and, uh, she will hopefully be on the show next week. All right. Thank you for listening.