Athlete's Transferable Skills for Business and Relationships-Dr. Nina

Transcript

Speaker 1

Make love not war has joined patrion. What's Patrion? You ask. It's an amazing website where fans like you can directly support artists like an Italian prince would do during the renaissance era for artists such as Leonardo de Vinci or Michelangelo. You don't have to donate a bag of gold and silver like a patron prince to be awesome. Simply go to www.patrion.com/make more love, not war and click become a patron. It takes about three minutes and it's very easy. If you feel like a wealthy Italian prince after donating a few bucks, well then you go ahead and own that feeling on today's show. How did those. How you found those skills you learned in athletics helped in your relationship with your husband? How many years have you been married now? Going on 18

Speaker 2

years. Yeah. Well, you know, I'm working in a team. You have to be flexible, right? Relationships. You have to be flexible in compromise. Well, so there's, there's a mental performance coach really works on the skillset to so that they can play the present in the game. You know, how do you stay present in the game? What kind of tools do you need to stay present? What values are important to us as a marriage? What values are important to us in a team? Football, football, there's, there's more aggression. There has to be to do what you do for me and you think, oh, he, he was saying, I'm just sharing this with you, the story, and he says, and then you read about some players that are really aggressive with their girlfriends, just very aggressive, but they're the same, but there are taught, be aggressive, be aggressive, be aggressive. Nest. Now stop when you, when you step out, don't be aggressive. Athletes that have been a very successful as a career in because it will end, it will end sometimes a lot sooner than later, especially with injury and that's why you see depression and things like that because they weren't prepared. And who, uh, who am I besides this? Let's get started.

Speaker 1

Hi and welcome to make more love not war. This is Tara Harrison, a licensed professional counselor and relationship expert. This is her husband, Jeff Harrison. Have no qualifications whatsoever. Just a normal dude, I'm here today with Dr Nina Rio Storia. She's a mental performance coach and counselor. So Nina, you know, from listening to my podcast that I always want to hear your story, so I would love to hear how go, how you went from counselor to mental performance coach because I know that's a newer addition to your title and we've worked together as counselors, which was lots of fun. I've always enjoyed that and I still enjoy counseling. Um, and as you know, you and I kind of went off and explored coaching

Speaker 2

executive coaching, so I ended up going to utd and taking a, get any certification there so I can be an executive coach. And through that process one of the great things in that program is they give you assessments about yourself and I had different assessments and then one assessment, I had to pass it out to friends and people that knew me and to kind of give their feedback of me and how they see me and perceive me. And when I saw all the feedback and the things that were said about me in these are like questionnaires, uh, one of the things that stood out as, um, the importance of health and fitness and being an athlete because I am a triathlete. Oh, you are? Yeah. Didn't know I kept in the data, kept in the download. Oh, that's cool. So, so not only were you interested in working with athletes, you're an athlete yourself, right?

Speaker 2

When I was an athlete in high school, but never in college and I'm an avid runner and triathlete. And, and so I just thought, why am I not working more around athletes and coaching and working with them and that, that was really the Aha moment that I had after this kind of awareness about myself. Um, just the importance of how I, how health and fitness is important to me. And the mental health is very important to me. And so this transition working with athletes has really been natural. It's been exciting and it's been fun and I've, I've loved, love the experience and I'm grateful that I could do it again this year as well. Continue on working with teams and stuff like that when you're in a new practice now or to a new location. I actually, I'm in south lake and I have um, so in case I want to work individually with an athlete, I can locally in the south Texas area, but really my focus is working with teams and I'm going to be continuing working with a college team and maybe another one college women's basketball team and just, I love the team dynamics.

Speaker 2

Working with a team is fun. Lots of fun. Yeah. And well, when you were in high school, you said you were an athlete, was it team sports then that you play? I played softball all my life. Volleyball. I did play some basketball but I was, wasn't very good because I'm five. Two wasn't your sport then. What else did I play? I did track and field, you know, but my team sports were volleyball and softball. A really were my main ones. Oh. So being in that team atmosphere feels like home to you. That feels great. And I'm like the dynamics and the importance of having a team and the connection, the relationships amongst players is so, so key to be successful in life. Yes. Well, I'm wondering, you know, because you had the team sport aspect and and in your life and, and then you've maintained your athletic prowess.

Speaker 2

We'll see. Throughout your life, how did those, how you found those skills you learned in athletics helped in your relationship with your husband? How many years have you been married now? Going on? Eighteen years. Eighteen years? Yeah. Well, you know, I'm working in a team. You have to be flexible, right? And relationships. You have to be flexible and compromise. So I'm meeting, you know, working with different people and being able to play as a team, you have to be kind of adapt. You have to adapt to their different personalities, be accepting, be willing to change. And I'm working with a team that I'm working with it. It is about kind of accepting that person as they are, are working with them through the challenges because you're always gonna find disagreements. They're always going to happen. Misunderstandings happen in relationships every day and so learning to work through them and communication's a big part of that and the team, huge communication and especially in relationships and marriage.

Speaker 2

Yes, and also I'm thinking in teams, you have to find what motivates each player to succeed, which is the same in relationships because what motivates me is not the same thing that motivates to jeff and so we had to realize that no relationship of, okay, I'm giving this to him because I think that this will motivate him and our relationship to work harder on whatever I need, but that's not, that's not really what happened and so I had to figure that out with him and so I can imagine that's the same kind of thing. You have to figure out in a team. It's. It's so interesting and that's a good point because in marriage, if you don't have the same common goals, if you don't have the same common goals, then it's hard to meet those goals. If you don't even know what they are.

Speaker 2

Like. If I were to ask you what are your main goals of your marriage? Would you be able to answer it? Maybe so, but I'm just saying in general with people listening, what are your main goal? Have you talked with your spouse or your significant other? What is your main goals and in your marriage and that's what you do in m and a team to what are the goals for the season, how are we going to attain then what are we going to be doing everyday to reach those goals? So yeah, it's transferrable. Those transferable skills as athletes, interrelationships relationships and especially in marriage, having those common goals and so important and having team meetings, you know, in sports teams get together and talk about these things. Yes, they do. The question of what goals do you have in your marriage? That's an. That's an awesome question because I would guarantee you that between a couple of. There are going to be different goals.

Speaker 2

There may be like one or two that are the same, but people would be surprised what the other person said is a goal for the marriage. Oh yeah. Well, back when my husband I were in counseling though, also the therapist asked, you know, what are your goal? Doesn't marriage and psych? Well these are what I'm thinking, this is what I'm thinking and it's just really good to sit down and then what are you doing daily to, to kind of make sure that you're meeting those goals long term, short term goals. So when the team brings you into be their mental coach, what exactly level are you doing? Are you getting them pumped up before a game? Is it throughout the week or what exactly do they want from you? Well, so there's, there's a mental performance coach really works on the skill set to so that they can play and be present in the game, you know, how do you stay present in the game kind of tools?

Speaker 2

Do you need to stay present? Um, how do you manage anxiety? Because there's obviously a lot of pressure and stress when you play sport. So it's the skill set, it's the working on the mental game. Imagery. Visualization is really important in a team sport to get them ready and prepared to, we'll kind of things visually trying to do so for example, let's say, um, before game they will want to rehearse kind of how they see themselves playing plain, well making the baskets, making the free throws and, and also that the part that they struggled with on court. For example, with mass basketball, maybe there's a player that struggles, he can visualize him working through that struggle on the, on the, on the basketball court. It's really powerful. Visualization is one of the big things, mental performance coaches, sports psychologist talk about with athletes is the visualization and imagery and things like that.

Speaker 2

So that's another skill set and it's something I work with the players and how, you know, how did you say stay present. Um, and some other things as well. Positive talk. But this is also going back to relationships. It's all that stuff is really important for relationships. Yeah. And as you were talking about visualization, always thinking about how powerful it would be to visualize yourself being able to work through a conflict together successfully and just being able to visualize that before going and talking to your partner about something that may be difficult to talk about. You already know it's a hot button topic. So before that you take the time like an athlete does to prepare yourself for it. You get yourself like in your good stance, you visualize it being a productive conversation and you really work through it before even getting into the conversation.

Speaker 2

I think that would be really helpful for those kinds of issues. Well you know what I know and you brought up a good point cause I'm thinking in relationships. How often do you get upset with your significant other? And you're already thinking in your head, oh, oh, when he gets home, this is what I'm going to do. And you're visualizing, you're having negative probably negative guilty of that too. Just going, oh, he gets home, I'm going to do. And you're actually. People don't even realize that they're already visualizing kind of what their, what their plan is, and so just that awareness right now, that awareness that we all do it and to be conscious of this visualization because it's very powerful and sports and in life. So you brought up a good example is we need a visual visualized, positive things when it comes to relationships.

Speaker 2

It's sort of one of those what you think you become sort of thought process. If you think you're angry, you're going to be angry. If he's appreciative of things, you're going to appreciate things kind of like outlook. Yeah, your perspective. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So maybe a good exercise to do when your visit, when you're in that situation and you come home and the trash isn't taken out. I always bring up the trash. The trash is a ticket out and he said he was gonna do it, and you start thinking about how you're just going to rip into his ass when he gets home and stuff that the thing you can do, the thing you can do is sit down and think about all the things he does. You're grateful for and get yourself in a better mind space before even talking to him about yes and the issue and you know, as a therapist, just our self talk affects how we feel and that's where a lot of anxiety is driven from is just the negative self talk.

Speaker 2

So if we can work on just that awareness and then changing that self-talk, how powerful so powerful, especially with athletes, they're negative to a lot of it, you know, in, in NBA especially. Well all over in sports, mental health is so is becoming so important because many athletes to deal with anxiety or depression and it's working through that in a NBA players are coming, talking about anxiety and stress, but it's a lot of uh, deals with the core self-talk core beliefs and just being aware, hey, I'm having these negative thoughts and how can I modify and change it? And when it comes to relationships, do you mean negative thoughts as far as their performance on the, on the court or on the field? Or are you talking about outside? I'm well on the court. My. Oh shoot, I'm going to miss this. I missed this ball, I'm going to play really bad now.

Speaker 2

Oh No, I'm not. I'm, I'm going to get. I just found it out. You know, I'm going to fall out just this negative talk or I didn't play. I didn't have a good day to day. So it's, it's on the court, but off the field or the court or any sport you play you, you can have negative thoughts. It just depends what kind of person you you are and how you're wired and the different life circumstances. But the positive talk and how you talk to yourself is so important and you know that very well tear as a counselor as well. Yeah, and the biggest thing that I find in this very, very simple concept but really hard to do is in couples is giving each other the benefit of the doubt. You know, and the, for the first person, you have to do that with this yourself.

Speaker 2

So I'm thinking on the court, you're talking about a player saying, I missed that shot. Now, if you're in that negative loop, you could think, well, I'm going to screw up the whole game. The game is wasted. Or you can say, Oh, I missed that shot. I'm going to give myself the benefit of the doubt and I'm just going to keep going because just one ms shot. You know, the game isn't ruined. I can. I can still maintain, you know, the points that I want or what I mean. I don't know. The athletes speak so nobody can keep rolling here as the idea. Yeah. Yeah. It's just changed. It's so key. That awareness piece in life with any relationship, the awareness of your thoughts so you can. You can't change them if you're not aware that you're saying it to yourself and with. Some of us are on automatic pilot.

Speaker 2

I know I'm guilty of being on automatic pilot with negative thoughts. Oh wait, stop. I need to stop that and think this way or try to look at a situation in a better way, in a positive way, but what you just said, Sarah, so terrorists, so true. When an athlete is aware, okay, I missed a shot, but you know what, that's okay, or I need to give myself the benefit, the benefit of the doubt. Maybe that's their key phrase, uh, with athletes we teach them, you know, what's a key phrase? What's a key word that you can go to when you have a moment to get you back in the moment, being present so that they don't let go and start thinking negative thoughts and thinking about the future and then they're not present in the game. They're not playing. So if they say something like, I need to give myself the benefit of the doubt, that's a key phrase. Maybe that's their Goto, but in relationships as well, what a great way to get back in the moment. I need to give myself the benefit of the doubt or my husband benefit of the doubt where this person the benefit of the doubt and switched your mindset. So I like that idea. I like that phrase. Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 3

How much of it is just a matter of just getting these guys a realism that they're not going to be perfect and that even guys that are, you know, Michael Jordan missed 50 percent of his shots in and that they realize that that's just the way it is and that it's not a big deal.

Speaker 2

Yeah. It's, you know, what, remember the age group we're dealing with as a young adult, age 18 to 23, 22, it's still really hard. They're still learning about themselves and a little critical and they put a lot of pressure on themselves. So that's ideally what we want them to handle and manage, manage the going into a game is, you know what, it's okay. I'm not going to be perfect. It's okay. Um, I'm not, I may not be performing at my best, but I'll do my best to perform at my best, but it's really working with them. Again, going back to that positive talk and we're helping them work through stuff because they may have been trained early on that the perfection is where is their place that need to be 24 slash seven. So to change that mindset takes time, this takes time and it takes awareness. Yeah, and I think perfectionism is something that so many of us struggle with, whether we're athletes or we were

Speaker 1

perfectionist in school. Like me, I was very perfectionist about my grades. I would cry if I got a B on my ap history exam, serious, true story, went to the bathroom in the middle of class and cried while you know. But you know what I have. I have recovered from perfectionism and I think that that's something when you're training hard in whatever it is that you're, that you're really invested in, whether it be academics or athletics or you're trying to be a chef or whatever it is, that you realize the importance of failure and how much

Speaker 2

learn from failure. Yeah. Well one things I admire about the athletes, especially at college level, they were worked really hard to get there. They had to persevere through some challenges, especially the population depending on the population you work with, but some of them come from really challenging backgrounds. So they, they're fighters. That's what they know. They must persevere. They must be successful, you know, they have motivation and ambition to be great to help their family, so that's their mindset, so you know, failing in their mind is not an option. They must be successful. So it's just modifying that mindset so that they can be kind of more accepting of themselves and they can make mistakes and it just takes time and understanding that the failure is actually your path to success because you learned so much more from failure than success and, and that's true in relationships to every. When Jeff and I have had really big arguments, it just did not go

Speaker 1

well. The most important part was later on we talked about it and he was able to say, you know, the, that you said this

Speaker 2

or how you did this really made me react to this certain way. And all of that kind of stuff like that was more important than the actual argument we had. Oh yeah. Being able to work through the failure and see what you learn from it. I mean, I've grown so much more from that than anything else in my life and, and that's hard in the moment in relationships and especially if you're married, when you have a challenging time, you've gone through to know, oh, this is going to be good for, this is going to be good for our marriage. You're right. Yeah. That's a good key phrase. This is going to be good for our marriage and that sarcastic fight is gonna be so much fun. I'm going to learn so much, but I reflect on my marriage with my husband and for sure the most challenging times, which were really difficult. I definitely, we grew together. We grew closer together, which I'm sure you and jeff have grown closer from. The challenges you've been through, you know, you're better. You're a better person from the challenges you've been through. Yes. Yeah, and I think there's the athletes that can, that can. They fall and they get back up. I think there are even stronger and better athletes and they learned perseverance that way. Healthier. You gonna learn perseverance and if you fall you have to fall to get up. And to learn how to get lean forward, good freight

Speaker 3

and how many of these people have ever had these athletes that this totally just went off the deep end. They got, they did so poorly in the game and they just could not get back in the groove at all. What do you do at that point?

Speaker 2

Well, I, I don't know if I want to talk specifically about the group I've worked with, but I will say that I'm sure there are athletes for sure that you're saying that just during a game they don't do well and they just kind of shut down back. Yeah. They just shut down. Yeah. Yeah. Well if they shut down the probably get pulled, obviously pulled up the court or whatever sport they're playing and they're just probably going to have to regroup for the next time. I remember I was reading a story about a NBA player. I'm sorry, not the NBA player. It's in the baseball player pitcher and he was a phenomenal picture, but he got out of the zone. He got out of the moment because of. And he wasn't throwing well. Right. And one of the sports psychologist went on the mound to check on him with the coach and he was gone.

Speaker 2

He was checked out. It's like he was no longer present so he had to be pulled out of the game and it's. And it's hard to stay in the moment and that's what we encourage with athletes and going back to relationships, that's something we always need to try to do, be do our best to stay present in our marriage because we want, we have all these thoughts maybe of the future and yeah, just how do we stay present in a relationship when we're going through challenges and persevering through the challenges and knowing that as you're doing that you're learning this skill together. Yeah. So how do you do that? How do you stay present in a marriage when you're both mad about different situations and things like that?

Speaker 2

How do you do that? I'm turning it on Youtube. I'm put you under spotlight. Well, I, I think that that really goes back to the self care. When Jeff and I have gone through really difficult times in our marriage, I did focus on working on the relationship, but the biggest person that I focused on during those times was myself and taking care of myself and making sure that I nurtured and had compassion for myself, gave myself the benefit of the doubt, learn what I need to learn to get through it, and that is the only way that I was able to get that to him. I had to give it to me first. Yeah, that's A. Yeah. Aren't just about yourself first. Yeah. Yeah, and then another thing that helped me is to give myself a time limit on link. If this goes on for this long, then this is something I can do for myself and that helped me be able to let go of whatever was he was doing and, and let him work through whatever he needed to work through.

Speaker 2

Yeah. Communication. Yes. Very important. That's the communication is important on a team with athletes. They need to learn to communicate because there's always misunderstanding and interrelationships as well. Communication is a big key to connecting and getting along. Yeah, and going back to that imagery, being able to even take the time to imagine what it is you need to communicate, so it's really important to take that time for yourself to figure out what it is that you're hoping for from this communication and what it is you need from it and what you want to express. You know, one of the things when I'm thinking about communication, I'm thinking also it's important to communicate when there's conflict, right? How do you manage conflict like with athletes, how do you. How are you going to manage a conflict within the team or with two people? How are y'all going to manage that conflict?

Speaker 2

What are you going to do? Like have a conversation about it before there's conflict, right? Because these guys don't may not have the skillset to manage conflict. They just may know, well, I'm mad, I'm angry, I'm going to yell, but if you give them the tools, okay, so let's rehearse. If there's a conflict, how are you all going to manage it and how are and let the team discussed the best way to manage conflict within a team. It's so important when it comes to marriage, you know, how are we going to manage conflict when there's something happens, what are we going to do to work through it? Like have a plan in place. Yes. A game plan. In fact I talked to that, talked about that with couples all the time is okay. Yes you do really well at home with certain things, but when you are going out with the family to a family event or you're going out to dinner, you know, different things where you might encounter, um, other factors that you're not really ready for. I make a game plan. Take that time to sit together and make a game plan about how you're gonna handle it together so that you know that you have each other's back. Yeah.

Speaker 3

So what you're saying is, is this something that you do with the teams that you will do? Sorta like a drill. You know, like when they practice, like thinking like a football player, he's throwing a ball through, um, you know, like a hole or something or they're running around cones or something with a basketball

Speaker 2

or something like that. So they're doing these specific little trainings for one little component of the game. Are you saying that you get them together when there isn't a conflict and they try to figure out and sort of do that same thing only with a conflict resolution. There's a camp that's going to come up for the college team that I'll be going away with and that's the time what we're going to do these kind of prepare them for the season, prepare them, what is it, what are your values of the team? What's the mission of the team? How are we going to communicate or how do they not all just go win the championship. We're gonna win every game. We're gonna win the championship. But you know what the, I have to give a lot of credit for the players I worked with. They're pretty insightful and they have like they come from, they've got great some great role models in their lives.

Speaker 2

A lot of them have great mothers, but um, yeah, they want to win. But I think if you give them the open dialogue to really talk and you ask the right questions, they'll start sharing what is the values of our team, what's important to us? Yeah. To win. Well, how, how are we going to, how are we going again? What, when, what are we going to do? What kind of values do we have to carry in order to win championships? What are, you know, what do we want to represent? What do we want to stand for those back to marriage, what do we want our marriage to stand for? What values are important to us as a marriage? What values are important to us in a team? To answer your question, it's not so much on pulling them aside off the court, it's this preseason or during the season, having those meetings and having some discussions if necessary, but it's our hope that you give them the tools, the skillset before the season.

Speaker 2

So now they have, they can practice them and use them during the season. And um, that's, that's kind of the plan. What about when there's conflicts between the coach and the player? Yeah. Well then that's a one on one conversation, you know, you get in between there and sorta help conflict, you know, like you're in resolution mode. So I have a lot of respect for the coach and the coaching staff I work with and a coach is just said, does such a great job connecting with the players. And I think if you have a code to take the time out with each player, um, that, that relationship's so important. You know, one of the things when I think of athletes, I know this, this show is about relationships and dating is when someone knows how much you care and when players know how much a coach cares.

Speaker 2

I think of John Wooden, the NBA, he's one of the, he has the most winningest history of winning games. And one of the things that stands out is he was such a caring coach. The players knew how much he cared and for that reason they were motivated to play and do so well. Yeah, they felt appreciated. They felt appreciated and valued and they knew he cares about me. And in relationship, when you know that person cares about you, you're gonna want to do more and, and want to work through things because you know they're coming from a good place. Yeah. Going back to giving someone the benefit of the doubt, giving them the benefit of the doubt, that phrase of the day, that's our takeaway. And that is built through spending the time to show that the care is there and making sure that the other person

Speaker 1

knows they're cared for. And I see that a lot in relationships that both people do care, but they're not taking the time to show the care because they're on autopilot. Like, Oh, we've been married for awhile. She knows I love her. He knows I love him. They, you know, and, and they don't take the time to make sure that person does really feel cared for and to make sure that the needs of that care haven't changed because that changes over time too. Like somebody who feels cared for when they get gifts at age 25 at age 35, that may be a totally different ballgame of how. How do you receive love? How you receive, how do you show and you know we're going to be maybe shifting a little bit, but I love the book, the five love languages and do you know about the therapist Tara?

Speaker 1

It is such. It's been such a valuable tool in my life when I'm working with people and in my relationship just recognizing, you know, how do we receive love? Is it through gifts? Is it through service? How does it, how does someone need to show us that they love us and they care about us not have love. I don't know if you've ever talked about that, but that's an. I think that's a really great book for well and then being open like earlier you said that I'm part of teamwork and in athletes being on team a huge strength as being accepting and being willing to change and I think that's a really big part of that too, is being willing to change with somebody or accept their change. Going back to the way that you receive love may change over time in the things that you need can change over time in a relationship and being accepting of those.

Speaker 1

That's hard, you know, how do you accept something that you don't necessarily agree with? Yes, and that is hard and that yes, and we went and we had a great podcast on how to overcome resistance and talked about that because that's huge because as we grow together over the years were together and relationships. We do change and some fundamental things changed. Like maybe you married someone and they were one religion and they convert throughout your marriage and things like that and so that I think it goes back to you being able to nurture yourself through that as well. So if you know that you're okay because you're taking care of yourself, you can be more accepting of someone else. Yeah, that's true. That's true for sure. I'm just trying to think. I'm one of the things in basketball and probably in other sports as well, is you have to accept that role that you've been given by the coach.

Speaker 1

You're going to be in this position and learning to accept me, you may have had a, an eye on another position, but the coach has chosen you for this position and accepting your role. Um, and, and that takes time, but you, if you don't accept it, you can't perform. If you don't accept your husband or the person that you're with for their cert, for the certain things they do. If you don't accept them for who they are, it's going to be hard for you to move forward and be held to have a healthy relationship. I think I'm only that. I mean sometimes one person in relationship

Speaker 3

or on the team or whatever, but let's just say the relationship is maybe has at one particular time is the primary for whatever reason. Like there's something going on though that's important to them, which is important for everybody. So the other one has to almost be a secondary role, but maybe they're not used to a secondary role always. And I think it was a, I was just watching a, uh, a standup comedian, Chris Rock. He had a whole thing called tamborine. That's the name of the, the latest a show and the whole thing about it is he had a difficult time being the one who's playing the tambourine in the band sometimes. He always felt like he had to be the top guy, but he's like, sometimes you have to play the tambourine. You don't get to be the lead singer.

Speaker 2

Such a great analogy. Yeah, for sure. Then just being okay with that. How do you be okay with that? It's just hard. It's hard to accept. It's a that you're to be okay with them like that.

Speaker 3

Well, I mean if you're anybody who's at a college level or pro level, they were the best on the team by far and then they get up there and they're just one of 10 people that are great but are all great and then they, they're the greatest of college and they're just mediocre at pro. So,

Speaker 2

and, and you brought up a good point, I think that that's coming to mind is humility. Being humble and know that, you know what, I'm not as great as I as I was or I'm around a lot of elite players and being humble and being okay with that and in relationships. How often do we think we're right? Right. Well we're probably right. We are, but anyway, and working on just saying, you know, maybe I wasn't right, you know, maybe I did make a mistake and just owning it and just being humble in some situations where you want to be proud and, and be the person that's right. Being willing to change positions. Yeah. Be Willing to change when it's necessary to change positions. Like you said, when the coach tells you you need to be in the outfield, switching sports and you feel like you need to be on first base. Well in the big picture of the outfield is a very important position as well. And so being able to change, you know, I can perform really well at this and then being, you know, and, and throughout the sport. Throughout your relationship, you changed positions back and forth.

Speaker 3

Do you ever have to work with anybody who's just not getting it? They just are like, no, I am a forward and that's what I've always done. I cannot play that. And

Speaker 2

honestly, so I started working last year with them and I haven't had that I want to say yet because it could happen, but right now I haven't been in that position to work with them like that were there. I think that'd be more of a coach at a talk they might have with the coach when it comes to positioning. Again, my goal is to help them with their mental performance and like how can they perform well and how, you know, and as a counselor I can use my skill set there. But um, I just know that there are challenges in that area. I can't. There can be when it comes to that different roles.

Speaker 4

Let's take a moment to stop and take a quick break. We'll be right back.

Speaker 1

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Speaker 2

Anyway, you had said something also and I was going to about change. You said about changing from an Infield to outfield and being and I liked that you said and just to embrace, you know what? Look, I'm in the outfield now and how we change our perspective of how can I make this a positive experience? Yeah. How can I make this situation positive instead of looking at it, hey, I used to play infield and in, in relationships, how can I make this switch positive? How can I, how can I think differently? Definitely, and I think that that, especially when kids come into the picture for families and roles move around as well and so that can cause a big disruption in a marriage, being able to change positions in the marriage. Oh yeah. You brought up a good point when you think of like blended families and that can take on a whole new dynamic, so being able to be okay with that.

Speaker 2

I was this and my family before, but now I'm this and my family now and I'm going to be the best Dang whatever it is that I can be forever however long I I am being that and you can take pride and ownership in that and feel really good about that versus fighting it and really making it a negative situation. Knowing that that's the best role for the overall picture right now and I think that we can. We can do that, especially in a situation like that. If we can stay present thinking of sports, staying in the moment because if you think too much in the future when this new dynamic happens or you have blended families that come together. Oh my gosh, what if they, what if the kids don't get along? What if this doesn't work? Like I thought it was, you know, and they have all the what ifs and they get anxiety and worry and fear and instead of enjoying the moment, I remember just the other day I was walking and I met a neighbor and he had just moved in with his girlfriend to this house that they're renting for 14 months while she builds a house and he's telling me he has three grown children and she has a five and a half year old.

Speaker 2

Oh Wow. He has. And he has six grandchildren. So now he's like, it's like I'm starting all over again. Right. And it's just, um, I said I was asking him questions, so you're building this, how she's built in this house, do you y'all gonna move in it together? He's like, I don't know right now. We're just kind of seeing what happens. And I said, I love that you're just trying to stay in the moment, enjoy the moment because if you get caught up in all the other stuff, it can cause anxiety, stress. And worry that you don't even need to worry about and I love that you bring up that it's a process to embrace a new role that you have in a relationship or in a family or on a team. And I see a family as a team as well. So it's all the same kind of dynamic

Speaker 3

[inaudible] yeah. I was a reading a book called never split the difference. It's a book about negotiations and it's written from the standpoint of the guy who wrote the book, it was an FBI hostage negotiator and he was talking about his son who used to play linemen defensive line. And it used to just hit everybody. He just loved to hit him and that was just his thing. And we're talking like high school level. When you say he liked to hit him, who's hitting? He was defensive line so he was always. He was always hitting him like just playing football. And so he always liked to hit the linemen and try to tackle the quarterback and all this kind of stuff. So the but the quarterback or the coach moved him to one of the defensive guys further back and now his job was not to hit everybody.

Speaker 3

It was the dogs, the tackles and get the and get the running back or the quarterback or whatever, but he could not get past the point that he wanted to hit everybody. So they kept telling him like, you need to stop hitting everybody. You're supposed to be dodging them and getting the go into the ball, get away. Don't worry about those alignment that go around them. But he couldn't get it through his head. He just kept saying it and he'd be like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well finally, what he had to do is he had to use some of this negotiation tactics, which in Y'alls terms you would say he was just reflective listening and validating. You'd say something like, it seems like you think it's cowardly to dodge the offensive lineman. You think that you. It shows that you're not as tough by doing that. And he was like, yeah, that's right. And then once he sort of felt like he was listened to and he understood, he didn't, he didn't even quite understand that. And then he finally realized, okay, now I, now I get it, now I just, it's not a big deal if I dodge these guys, I do what my job is.

Speaker 2

Right. And I think that kind of goes full circle about what we talked about the beginning, that awareness piece. He wasn't even aware he had these thoughts going through his head, but he wasn't aware and that's why he was responding, reacting the way he was. He was

Speaker 3

another way, you know? Yeah. And nobody wants a, a lot of sports. They don't want

Speaker 2

to be considered cowardly or not tough or they just have that open dialogue, that conversation. And so he was able to see, oh yeah, and get validated. Oh yeah. And then that, just having that new awareness and that mindset has, he was able to accept the new position he was at. Yeah. That's so interesting. You know what, when you talked about aggression and football, so I was working or I was talking with someone that was a pro. He was a college athlete and baseball and football and then he went on to possibly get drafted in football, um, and I fell and at the last minute he was cut. It was just really hard for him to send. Let me cut. And that's a whole nother story about depression. That's why try learning when athletes learn about transferrable skills, it's so important because it gives them hope that they have a great skill set, which they do, but that awareness piece that they do.

Speaker 2

Uh, but he was telling me as an nf through the experience of playing football, it is a very aggressive sport. It's very hands on hit be aggressive different than basketball, football, football. There's a, there's more aggression there has to be to do what you do for many of them. And do you think, uh, he, he was saying, I'm just sharing this with you, his story. And he says then you read about some players that are really aggressive with their girlfriends, just very aggressive, but they're teasing but they're taught be aggressive, be aggressive, be aggressive. Now stop when you, when you step out, don't be aggressive. And it's hard to, for some people just to stop. He's not saying it was okay, but there's, they're taught this be aggressive mindset. And so that awareness piece that you can turn it off and be careful because it's kind of programmed in you.

Speaker 1

Yes. And I, I've heard that a lot with military families that I work with have husband or wife or both is in the military and they come home and run the house. Like they're, they're in the military and everybody else are soldiers and the family. And so that is that going back to awareness, you know, switching from role to role, you have to have a lot of awareness to do that. Because I'm, I'm, I'm a different person. I've worked on not being a therapist who my family because I'm a therapist and in the office, but I'm not going to come home. And, and if my parents were having an argument, I'm going to try to catch myself when I get active in it like I did the other day.

Speaker 2

It's all a process, isn't it though? It's a process of changing roles

Speaker 1

and not being, for me not being a therapist everywhere because sometimes I'm just going to be a friend and I'm not going to be therapeutic or whatever, you know. So I think that that is a skill that we have to learn and in anything that we're doing and knowing that when we come home to our families, I'm not going to be a football player when I come home and tackle the kids. I'm not going to be a sergeant when I come home and bark orders at people or I'm not going to be a therapist and come home and ask them about their feelings constantly. We're all just going to be in the family. And that is going back to that mindfulness piece of being able to be this part of yourself in this moment and, and being able

Speaker 2

to appreciate that ability like in football, being able to have all of that contact. It's a really great sensory experience of getting a lot of feelings out, so that's very therapeutic in itself and that's the place to do it and that's a great outlet and there's. And then you have that outlet there so then you can be able to be more connected in other relationships so you can see it that way. Yes. And then teaching and going back to teaching, um, athletes or people, what's the skillset? How do I look some, some people just don't know. You know, you have to teach them a skill set or plan so that they know what to do and how to act outside of football. How do you transition? How do you transition that look like? How do you shut off that mindset from football to that you can or any, any sports so you can just be present in the moment and does that self awareness that we've been talking about is important.

Speaker 2

But then, okay, now that I have this awareness that I'm aggressive, what do I do with it? You know, how do I work through that? And maybe it's having those conversations. It's just having conversations and having dialogue helps too. So you work with athletes, but then you also work on athletes that are getting, you know, may be aging out or they're just didn't make it to the top. And now what do you, do you, you, you keep talking about those transferable skills or whatever. Yeah. Explain to me what that is and then how do you work with these guys outside of. Well, so I haven't worked with, I'm an athlete transferring out of the program yet. Um, however, the transferable skills is good for athletes to know during, during, like you're learning these skills. This isn't just, you're not just a basketball player or a football player in college because that's their, that's their identity for since they were child since childhood from any of them.

Speaker 2

And so that's all they know and the, and the athletes that are, that are very successful as their career ends because it will end, it will end sometimes a lot sooner than later, especially with injury. Uh, and that's why you see depression and things like that because they weren't prepared. And who, uh, who am I besides this? And so knowing that they have these great skill set, these transferable skills, there's so many, like they persevere. That's a great skillset. That's good to know when you're, when you're out there and trying to get a job. And so letting that person, that athlete, no, you're not just a basketball player and you teach them about their transferable skills because one of the things that they have found our athletes, they don't know that they have these transferable skills. They don't know. And just if you teach them, hey, do you know that you, um, you have organizational skills, you have team a team connection skills, you have goal setting skills, you have organizational skills, you have self motivation, these are great great things to have.

Speaker 2

And once they know that they have, it builds them up. And what they've also found research has found are those players that um, find a job where they're appreciated for will. They have to, they have to be excited about the job position. And they have to also have some autonomy. If they're micromanaged, they're not going to do very well because athletes that, a lot of it they have to do on their own, so if they're micromanage, they don't. They're not as successful, so they need to be in a, in an environment where they're appreciated, where there's a lot of autonomy and that they're aware of their transferable skills and then they do phenomenal. They do really phenomenal, but it's teaching them the transferable skills along the way. Yeah, that skillset and I've definitely seen that for you, Jeff,

Speaker 3

being able to use your skills of getting sponsors when you were racing and transferring them into the marketing that you do now, you know, be nice. I completely see that and I was that same way. I mean, I grew up racing so I, I started at, my dad raised and I started at eight and whenever I was 13, 14, 15, around that range. I mean, in my mind it felt. It really did feel like the universe just wanted me to be an f one driver. Right. So you hit it big so you get it totally. And you know, there was a time that even whenever I was like 22 years old, I remember thinking, Oh man, I missed my mark. It's, I've, I've aged out, you know, and like depression and all that was definitely there because you're just like, you had that pressure of like time's running out, you feel that clock ticking all the time.

Speaker 2

Right. So I guess as you reflect now, what do you wish you knew then that might've helped you in the transition? What would have been helpful for you? I don't

Speaker 3

even know. I mean, it just took a lot of time. I mean, I think for me it wasn't even until I was almost 40 that I realized like, you know, because my whole goal was always, you know, if I look back whenever I was a little kid, it was, I want to be a professional driver. That's what you want. And what is the definition of professional drivers? Not just money. It's, it's, to me it was a specific thing. It's a team owner calls you up and says, I'm going to pay you to drive my car. It's not, hey, I'm. Because I made money throughout racing, but it was basically because I was good at carrying sponsors and I became quasi marketing guide that just happened to race. So to me that wasn't professional. So. But that was just the means to the end to get to that point.

Speaker 3

And whenever I finally had that happen it really was sort of a, oh, okay, good. I did it. So you know, whether everything from here on is gravy, you know, at this point. And I would see how I could think of if I were playing any other sport, it would have been the same thing if I got. If I just made it to play one game at a pro level, I would've been like, okay, that was the goal. If that was your goal, I that that's key. If that was your problem. But the problem is the goal changes because I mean it was at first whenever I was a kid it was I just want to be a professional race car driver. But then as you get older it's like, oh, F one champion. I wanted to be that one champion, you know? And then whenever you realize, you're like, wait, are you saying that really that was a modified goal, right? That wasn't the real original goal. So when, you know, you could say you're dumbing it down, but I'm more going to the root of what I really wanted.

Speaker 2

Yeah, I really liked that. You went back to the original goal that you had when you were a child and a lot of vocations, psychology. You always ask people like, what did you want to be when you were a little kid? You know, and as adults we, we put a goal on top of goal, on top of goal, on top of goal. And we just, you know, we, we, we just run ourselves ragged with those goals. And if you can go back to the original goal, like you learned to do and say, Oh yeah, I've, I've met that goal. I, I have made what my childhood dream come true. I'm enough and going back and that, that, that is true like that they could go back and reflect. I am enough. And the thing is with athletes, they get injured unexpectedly. And so that dream that that goal is no longer possible and that's where they struggle and that's when you can get into depression.

Speaker 2

Yeah. So again, it's going back to just knowing that they have a great skillset and teaching them the value. There's a lot of value to them and the things they've learned. Because Gosh, I mean if I met an athlete and I was an employer, I'd be like, wow, he's or she's been so committed and dedicated. This is someone that's going to work really hard for me. And I mean great skill set. But again, just that awareness of the things that they're learning along the way along their journey. Well even knowing that even though they were injured, they got to whatever point they got to. And so they made it there, you know, and being able to accept that maybe I got injured in high school and they wanted to play in college. True. But you still got to play. That's positive attitude, girl. That's of counselor Tara.

Speaker 2

It's realizing that because as a child you, your dream go. You may say something like, I want to be a professional player, but really as a child, what you really want to do is play. Yeah, you know, and and be in the sport and so even getting to be in it, playing one game, even me, even if it is high school football and you would have hoped for professional, you were still in the arena. What I love is that you're doing your. You're just changing the perspective how to look, reframing it so then you can look at it in a positive way. You know what? You got to play. You've got to play you the sport for x amount of years. You have to play. You got to play. Yeah, I mean and that's, that's awesome in itself and it, it always reminds me of the, of the Theodore Roosevelt quote about being in the arena and going out there and trying and being marred by dust and battle and all that stuff. Like getting out there and being in the arena. That is the accomplishment right now. I love that and it's just learning to. For them to accept that the acceptance and maybe they need time to be sad because it's like a loss there. They've lost a part of it. Oh yeah. So it's some grief. It's a dream. It's mourning the loss of a dream. It's mourning the loss of a dream. No, no, that's okay. And then how to get out of it. Yeah.

Speaker 3

I think some people have a hard time realizing how much of it is a mindset

Speaker 2

have. I mean like you, you hear of laws of attraction and things like and would you think you

Speaker 3

become. I mean that really is true in a lot of regards because it's not only because you, if you're always thinking about something, you'll come up with ways to make it work just because it's on your mind. You just activate that, that part of your brain, that subconscious pools you can just pull from it. And you kept talking about this visualization and all this stuff. So I started working with, uh, I currently work at a car dealership, grubbs Infiniti. And when I got there, when I first started talking to him, I didn't realize that it was sort of, there's 200 infinity dealerships each month you have a competition with all of them. And each month is considered to me was, I'd put it in terms of its, it was a race and then the overall year was like a championship. So I was like, oh, okay. So this is actually a competition that you have.

Speaker 3

So I was like, yeah. I was like, oh, okay, well that's the case. And I was like, well where are we, where are you at right now? Because I was just sort of friends with the owner and everything. And he was like, well we run, we're usually around in the thirties, twenties, thirties. And I was like, okay, well what's the best you ever did? And we did like eighth one month, like years and years ago. And I was like, okay, all right. So I just came to him and I said, I tell you what, you let me come work for you and just let me do what I want to do, you know, within a range. And uh, I'll take you to number one. And he was, he was like, okay, yeah, whatever. And he told me this later, that one of the worst years was because I started working for him in 2012, but in 2011 was our worst year for a long time.

Speaker 3

And, and here I am saying, well we'll win. And he's, and I was like, well it's, you know, you've got to have the different mindset, you've got to have this, you've got this, you have this, this is what a winning team is about. And so one of the things I did was I took one of those months that they do and I may, I just photo shopped it in 2012. So keep in mind we were 33rd. Yeah. So here I'll show you this. So this one's 2012, he's showing us that he showed me something, I recommend picture. So you can see that we are first and I just photoshop that. So this is visualized. And then 2016 we actually really did win.

Speaker 2

Isn't that amazing? Isn't that great? What a great example of when you and you just put a visualization, you created this, right? Yeah. The Vision Board. Yeah. And then. And you made it happen and you visualize it happening.

Speaker 3

Yeah. So we went from 33rd and this was 2012, so we're 33rd. We went through like twelfth, eighth, third, and then one. Wow, that's, that's incredible. That's great. A lot of the thing was I just sort of said, look, you've got to you at the top half to make it that we're going to win. You have to really push that. You have to say people have to read that from you, that, that we're going to win. And you've got to constantly keep saying that, but not only do you say that when you, when somebody comes to you, you know, from a department or whatever that says, they want something. Well, your job is to give them all the tools to make sure that they can do it because you can't sit there and go, hey, we're going to win. We're going to do whatever it takes. And when someone says, Hey, we need something, and you go, yeah, when we're not going to use, we're not going to do that. That costs too much, or we're not gonna do that good. Because that just sends the message that, well, you're not really serious about winning. That's just talk. So once you get it in everybody's mindset that no, I'm going to do whatever it takes. They will do whatever it takes as well. So you just sort of build that whole mentality in the team and as they see results, then it just goes. It just feeds on itself,

Speaker 1

right? You give your best effort, best effort. And you know, one of the things when you talk about winning, it's really about the process. That process and when you give 100 percent in the process, you know you do it all. Like you said, you give it to, you do everything you can to the best of your ability. It's the process that gets you to the place to win championships and win games. But it's really appreciate each other, helping each other in the way I'm thinking of with, with sports, but in life that support you get with each other and relationships, giving each other what you need to be able to get to that when like you said, if if somebody asks you for something and you're trying to get to a goal together and you say, no, I can't give that to you. Right, then you're not being supportive in the process. Whatever that process is. Whether it's in a relationship or in a business sense that you were talking about or in a sport. Right?

Speaker 3

Well for me it was, you know, I could always go back to motor sports because I could always sit there and I get terrible skill. I could always sit there and say, okay, you're. If somebody says, Hey Jeff, I want to hire you and we're going to go win the championship. We're going to do all this stuff. And I go, absolutely, that sounds awesome. Let's go do it. We get into the championship and we're, you know, four or five races in. And we realized, wow, we really have. We're struggling, we need to go rent some race tracks and we need to go like day after day after day and just practice and test and try different things and if I tell that to the team owner and I said no, we gotta test, we're struggling and he goes and that's going to cost a lot of money. I don't want to go do all that. And I'm like, Oh, I thought you said you wanted to win because the guy who's gonna win, we'll do that.

Speaker 1

Right? It's the perseverance and the willingness

Speaker 3

and I think from the transferable skill is just the ability for these athletes to. They know how high level it is and how difficult it is.

Speaker 1

They're very driven and yeah, they're very driven. They can set high goals and they work really hard to reach him. Yeah.

Speaker 3

Which one of the things that I also was trying to explain to, to the owner was I said, look, people that people know the difference between winning. I mean, even when you're at a local low level, like when I was running my local motor cross or local go-karts, anybody who's winning, they're noticed and they get stuff happens and I. This is what I said, I said, look, once we win, opportunities are going. Come at. You can even imagine. You just don't even understand. And he used. He didn't believe me, didn't believe me, didn't believe we finish when we finish 30 thought, well that's still pretty good. It should make a difference. No, the light. It just completely changed. Once we went to number one, all other opportunities came. So we went from having one dealership to five dealerships in one year.

Speaker 1

How amazing. What a great story. Yeah, the power. Yeah. That's a great representation of how you took the skills for motor sports and you made your career of like a sport, like you were living in racing and you had that mindset and so instead of just missing out, I'm missing out on racing. I don't get to race as much as I used to race. You brought all those skills into something with the same passion and perseverance and hard work and loyalty and dedication and you really excelled and that's highly desirable in business and in relationships. If you're working that hard in a relationship, that's awesome. You're a partner is really lucky. Yeah. Well Nina, I really appreciate all the insight you brought to us today. This has been just really fun talking to you and learning so much about transferrable skills and having key phrases and being able to transfer these skills both to business and to relationships.

Speaker 1

Yes, and I, I think, you know, one of the things that stands out to me is just again, the awareness and then having key phrases in life and relationships to get you back in the moment and being present. I think those are just some basic things you can do today and that can really be effective in your relationships and in life. Yeah, and also the visualization you talked about, I think that's really important and any kind of situation is to be able to visualize, visualize yourself having success in whatever it is and being able to work through how to get there. Yep. Perfect. Yes. Thank you so much for your time, Nina. Happy to be here. Okay, that's fine. Thank you. As always, I welcome your questions, comments, and love for you to be on the show. If you're interested, please email me@makemorelovenotwaratgmail.com. You can also contact me via twitter. My handle is at terra harrison. You can also support us on Patrion www.patrion.com/make love not war. Thanks for listening.