Inside a Polyamorous Relationship Part 1

Transcript

Speaker 1

Make love not war has joined patrion. What's Patrion? You ask. It's an amazing website where fans like you can directly support an artist like an Italian prince would do during the renaissance era for artists such as Leonardo Da Vinci or Michelangelo. You don't have to donate a bag of gold and silver like a patron prince to be awesome. Simply go to www.patrion.com/make more love, not war and click become a patron. It takes about three minutes and is very easy. If you feel like a wealthy Italian prince, after donating a few bucks, well then you go ahead and own that feeling. Ladies, imagine your husband going out on a date with his new girlfriend and he asked you for advice on where to take her. Then he wants you to help him pick out what he'll wear. Now guys, imagine your wife coming home for meeting a man for the first time and dishing about how the date went and you're all ears. Could you go on a double date with your husband and his girlfriend? Imagine that through all this, your relationship becomes even stronger and more connected. It is possible. Let us take you into the multiple hearts. Have a polyamorous relationship in this two part episode,

Speaker 1

part one.

Speaker 1

Hi and welcome to make love not war. This is Tara Harrison, a licensed professional counselor and relationship expert. This is her husband, Jeff Harrison. Have no qualifications whatsoever. Just a normal dude. I'm here today with a Alicia and Shane and they are in a polyamorous relationship and so they're joining us today so we can learn more about their relationship and more about polyamory. So what I always like to ask couples when I meet people is I, I'd love to know how you met. What is your story? We met in high school. I was a freshman and he was a sophomore and we met at a friend of mine's locker and he always said I had a crush on the friend, but I really had a crush on him. Oh, what did you think when you first saw him? That was a long time ago, Tara, or did you like? Audio was really cute. I found my old diaries recently. It was like, this guy is really cute. Had little hearts with his initials in it. Hardened him. I did. So you started him. What about you? What are you remember the first time that I've always been clueless about sometimes where, um, where she's like, well, I was interested in. You had no idea. It's like an

Speaker 2

to this day people can be interested in. I'm like, I don't, I don't see it. I'm just, I don't know what that, what is, what is about that, but I don't catch hints or clues very well. So she's often telling me it's like she's into you. I'm like, really? Yeah. So I'm going back to high school. Just Felicia, since high school has been your emotional navigator about those kinds of things came later. That came later. So how long did it take you to realize that she liked you? Even in high school at that time, I didn't realize in high school that time we dated my senior year, went to homecoming and then, so we were friends for, for a couple of years and then, um, dated for six or seven months. Not Very Long. Um, during her senior year and then kind of. Wow, did what people do and kind of wandered off for awhile and then I went to her first wedding and then later. Oh, okay. So you went to her wedding as a friend. About how old were you then when you got? Nineteen? Twenty. I was 20 slash 20. So, so she's married for only two or three years.

Speaker 2

What about right about, right? About three years ago, but we were friends, we were still friends the whole time. Um, and as uh, things weren't going well with that. She was talking to me more and more as more like a confident confidant. Um, and that, and here we are and that kind of spurred, you know, more and more interest. Uh, I think so I'm her transitional guy, but it worked out very long transition or anniversaries in a couple of weeks and it'll be 19 married for 19 years. Nineteen years. Married. Wow. But we were together for five, for five years before we got married and friends for how many years before that. Oh, see now that's going to know how old you are. Okay. So friends for one year before that, we've known each other for about 35 years. Oh, that's amazing. Yeah. So you use my second longest friendship. So have people I still actually talk to you so you have that, you know, friends come and go. And so, but she's the, she and my other. I have another friend that I met a year before her, six months before her that I still talk to. Um, and he and molly shared my longest friendships.

Speaker 2

You'll have a really strong friendship basis in your relationship then. I agree with that. Well, when

Speaker 1

did polyamory first come into your relationship? It didn't pop in immediately. It was a process. Um, I, I, you know, I think

Speaker 1

it was originally brought up just like as an open marriage type of thing, probably four or five, five years in. And I wasn't receptive. I had never heard of anything like that. I didn't understand it. I had the whole, it wasn't even more wrong with me. It wasn't even like, let's open the relationship. It was more of a, Hey, what do you think about a threesome type of thing. Um, and you felt like you weren't enough. That's what you were saying. That was the initial knee jerk, just because it was something very foreign to me. I mean, I was raised Catholic, you know, while my brother and I are pretty liberal, my parents were more conservative. Um, it was just never something I had heard of or considered or, you know, looking back, my mom used to always tell me how fickle I was and how I would like this person and then I would like this person. Okay, well now that all makes sense to me now. But at that time it just, I don't know, things were not as, I don't want to say stable, but it wasn't the right time. No, we weren't in the right place. Do you have to be pretty comfortable and secure relationship?

Speaker 2

And so, um, I'm not gonna say it was insecure, but I was um, younger, more immature emotionally.

Speaker 1

This wasn't as good,

Speaker 2

mid to late twenties and I have since learned a lot more about myself and how I work and how to relate to her and other people. Um, so yeah, it was, it would not have worked at that time. It would have been a colossal train. Right,

Speaker 1

right. Yeah. So we shut it down. Unfortunately he respected that and was like, okay, nevermind, blow back peddle this, get into any kind of arguments. At that time was it at that kind of level?

Speaker 2

I don't know if I'd say arguments. We were like any couple, we were having arguments about things at the time, you know, money, stress, whatever. Um, I don't know if that was one, like you said, there was questions about why are you thinking about this, what am I, what's wrong with me, what am I not providing that you think you should be needing to do this? And I, my answer I think was always, it's not about anything you are doing or not doing, it's just something that sounded interesting.

Speaker 1

Um, and you know, I, I was the same age, mid, mid 20 ish and I just, I just, I wasn't community. I didn't know how to communicate as well. Then I, I, I just couldn't wrap my head around it. So I just sort of shut it down

Speaker 2

and, and that was probably the right thing is I'm, I'm too afraid of this. Let's just not even discuss it because it's freaking me out. Yeah.

Speaker 1

Well, and the thing is, is that you both honored that place that you were in and you recognize that in order to, to bring something like this into your relationship, you have to have a really strong foundation. You already had a strong friendship foundation enough that Alisha, you could say, I'm just really not comfortable with this and that. You received that and said, all right. You know, because you're not always in the same place in your life forever. Right? Oh yeah. Wait, yeah. So I think on both ends that really showed that you have that trust in each other. So I don't know. I mean as far as how do we get here, I mean, I don't. He remembered was terrible.

Speaker 2

Yeah. Um, and I, I'm not good with chronological thing so I tend to jump around a little bit. So I hope I don't lose anybody, but I'm gonna jump ahead just a little bit real quick. After opening things up and starting to sort of explore other relationships and other people. Um, I got, I think that helped me understand my emotions and my sort of, how I approach our relationship and relationships with other people because we'd have these long conversations about,

Speaker 3

you know,

Speaker 2

who she's interested in or who I'm interested in and how it's going and I, and during those conversations I think I learned about more about myself than anything before. So saying that I wasn't emotionally in the right place at that, you know, in that first time is, is accurate because now I'm like looking back going, wow, I can the introspection and being able to sort of look inside myself and figure out how I tick all came from a lot of this. Um, so to go back to the timeline a little bit, um, I think we, it was a few years later, I didn't bring it up again. It's one of those things where it's like, you know, you touched the hot stove once and you just don't touch it again. And she brought it up later. Um, she had seen some things on TV that made her go, okay, this might not be the weirdest thing I've ever heard of prep.

Speaker 1

Yeah. Can I ask you more about that? So what was coming up for you that, that opened your mind to that? Because I hear you saying that that was part of your identity. Your mom turned it, termed it as being fickle, but it was something that was in you. The whole. I think it was two things about, about the same time we had a friend who, um, had been to like a swingers club and kind of told us about it and it was like, oh yeah. And I was like, okay, well that sounds kind of interesting. And she's, we know her, she's a real, like normal person. And then oprah had a show on swingers and I watched it and again, I was like, Huh, they're like normal couples,

Speaker 2

Ma, you know, not

Speaker 1

weird or I don't know. They were just like, no, and it was working for them. I Dunno, I just made it a little more like seeing these people.

Speaker 2

Well, the, um, that you could relate to that we're like, you, that I can see that person is my friend and I'm not some strange person or I don't know what but you related to them. So I think I forgot about, um, our friend that, that had gone to a couple of the clubs and we're saying how normal, you know, air quotes

Speaker 1

normally it is, and now they're just

Speaker 2

regular people that have this thing they do on the weekends. Um, so I think being able to talk to a real person that had been there kind of pushed her in, in the direction of, well, you know, I'll go and look at it and see what I think. So yeah. Whenever you say normal, did you think at the time that it was like a real underground kind of thing and that's what you were like, what was you, what, what did you envision it was before to say that this seems normal?

Speaker 1

Hm. I think when I, when I say like, oh, well, they're just like normal people and I mean, and I get this too, when people, if I say to people, oh, we were poly, or we have an open relationship, people go, well, you look so normal. I, you know, I don't know. Um, I guess it just wasn't a negative thing more and more that it wasn't a negative thing. They're not cheating. They're not angry about it. It's not a jerry springer show, you know, where they are fighting. And it was just like, oh yeah, we go out, we hook up with these other people are we have relationship with other people or he has a girlfriend or whatever. And they're okay with it and supportive. And that's pretty cool. I think a lot of that,

Speaker 2

when the normal thing, I think a lot of it is um, because we're in America and people were so repressed about sex and yeah, just that

Speaker 2

the, even if you were, um, if even if you were friends with somebody that was in the swinger lifestyle or, or something, you may not know it because they don't, they're not so open about it. They don't talk about it. Um, and so if you don't know anybody that has an open relationship or it was a swinger or whatever, um, you kind of assume they're Weirdos or I don't know what, they're not like the people, you know, they're not like me. They're not like me. They're not like the people, you know, they're not like the people at Church and so when they probably are. And so I think when I say, you know, they looked so normal. It's, I don't know what I was imagining before I, I didn't have any. I don't know what to think. So when I was just like, wow, okay, these are just, this is just like going bowling. These are the same kind of faces. And people you see at the bowling alley or you know, the golf course or where exactly my favorite coach. So they're just very normal looking. Um, and I, I don't, I don't know what I was imagining before. It just, I think it was just surprising that it's like, wow, they are just like us. I think I in my head I thought it should have been different, but it wasn't. So

Speaker 2

yeah, having that connection of like me I think is really huge and powerful. That comfort thing. I think, you know, when we talked about going to a club and she was

Speaker 2

apprehensive, it was because I was like, well, I fit in with like, like someone like me. And then when you go like, well they're all like me, then you feel more comfortable because it's like, okay, I can be here. Um, yeah, this is a part of myself I can explore and I can feel emotionally safe when I'm doing it right. And so we sort of explored the swinger aspect a little bit, the open, uh, because we, that's all we knew. We didn't know anything about poly at that point. Um, and I think um, Alisha started finding that she, like a lot of women likes it, more of an emotional connection with someone she's having a physical relationship with and a lot of the swingers are not really into that. They, it's very much a, you know, you can have, you can do stuff tonight but don't ask, don't ask my wife on a date.

Speaker 2

And she was, Alicia was kind of finding that the people she was making friends with, she liked to hang out more with it. She liked the emotional connection and that I guess a couple of years in year and a half, two years in a, another friend of ours that we had met through the swinging community, um, talk, talk to me about poly and what polly was and I called Lisa or I guess came home and talked to you about it. And I was like, okay, well I was talking to so and so and they were telling me about this. And she was like, okay, that's what I mean.

Speaker 1

So you were surprised by the name because I think there's a lot of people that even right now, don't know what that means, what Paula is. So let's talk about what's your definition of holly?

Speaker 2

Well, I mean,

Speaker 1

am, I mean if you look it up, polyamory is basically many loves. So if you are polyamorous mean basically we believe that you can have multiple committed, loving relationships and you know, kind of the, the foundation of poly is honesty and communication,

Speaker 2

you know,

Speaker 1

that's really it. You can ask pretty much any poly person I believe, and they will tell you communication and honesty, those are the two main things. Um,

Speaker 2

yeah. And for the people that are not as familiar with it, when you say, oh, my wife has a boyfriend or somebody, she's dating their immediate response while she's cheating on you. And in the poly world, cheating is not about having sex with somebody else or spending time with somebody else. It's about deception. So as long as I know about it, it's not cheating. It's when you are hiding an extra marital affair, that's, that's cheating. Um, anything that meets the definition for, for people that are in the poly world or not, but, but for us, if she says, well, I'm going on a date tomorrow night with so and so, it's like, okay, well have fun now. Um, but it's not, we don't, I don't consider it cheating because we're open about it.

Speaker 1

So I'm wondering how you first negotiated these boundaries together. I'm assuming you had conversations about what you were comfortable with, what you weren't comfortable with, and it morphs it continue to have these conversations. When we were swinging,

Speaker 2

um, we, you know, we start, we didn't know anybody, we didn't know anything, but we had this friend that had gone to this club. So I'm like, okay, well we'll go to this club and see what's, what

Speaker 1

Oh, we're going to do is look into going to buy a car or something. Yeah, no pressure, no questions, nothing. Right. And so that was building up,

Speaker 2

was it? It was going in. She, Alicia was like, I'm not doing anything. I'm not taking any clothes off or whatever, you know, we'll go social only just talk to people. And that's it. And so we did that a few times, um, and then as we got more and more comfortable with the idea of it and what was going on, some of those negotiated, I don't want to say rules, they're not really guidelines, guess we're starting to fall away where she's like, okay, well, you know, if somebody approaches me I'd be okay with that or, or, or whatever that was when we were swinging. Um, and, but as we went and you know, you just loosen those, those reins a little bit more each time. Um, I don't know that we have any hard and fast rules now, um, other than like safe sex and things like that.

Speaker 2

Basic things that you would have with any relationship where you want to try to be safe and not get hurt. But we don't have anything. Like I, I don't say who you can't see, he was like, oh, I forbid you to see him. Um, I don't have to like everyone she sees, but that's who she sees. That's her choice. Um, I don't like everyone she sees. I mean, I, I, I like them fine. They're not always people I want to hang out with. She likes them for different reasons. Um, how do you work through that within yourself if you don't like somebody that she's seen?

Speaker 2

Like any of her friends. There's, there's, she has her friends and I have my friends and I have lots of friends that she does not lie and I don't think it's a thing with us. It's not a big deal. It's like anything. It's like that uncle that comes over this just a little weird and you're like, oh, hi, good to see you again. And you're polite, but you try not to end up sitting next to him at dinner. Um, and so the people that she dates that I'm not very interested in, I'm cordial, I'm polite, you know, if they come to the house to pick her up, I'll, I'll visit with them, I'll talk to them. But she knows not to ask me to go to dinner with, with a group and expect me to have a full conversation with them because they're just not somebody I want to hang out with.

Speaker 2

And it's. So when I say don't like them, it's not like I hate that person, I can't stand them, it's just, I don't really know them. I don't have any common ground to have a conversation with them. So the conversation's really awkward. Um, so it turns into small talk like at a wedding. So yeah, you just don't have a connection with them. That's all right. And I, like, I, like I should say they're, they're, they're fine, they're nice people. I just, they're not my friend, if that makes sense. Was there ever a time or has there ever been a time that you felt like maybe she would be in danger with any of them or any of that kind of thing? Like you felt? Nothing. I think there has to be right. There has to be trust. There's trust, know, like it's your daughter or something going out with somebody that you think that sort of battery typically whenever we would start a relationship with someone new, um, you know, we would all meet, like, have dinner together so that whether it's someone that he is going to see your son that I'm going to see, you know, we would meet, they would know each other,

Speaker 1

they would. So it wasn't like, oh, I was going off with some total stranger and he had never know. Okay, we're not going to get into all the details.

Speaker 2

No, no, no, no. But, um, if I travel for work and sometimes I'm gone for a week or two A and there've been a couple times where she's met somebody while I was out of town a long time ago. I know it was a long time ago, but when they, when, when you're asking a safety question, that's, that comes up. And so, um, that was when it was still swinging and not dating the dating thing is, is, is a different thing. I feel like it's, it's, um, the safety questions aren't as much because it's dating. I mean, it's like, it's first dates and it's immediate it coffee shop and see if you click it all and then it's just a slower process. The swinging thing, um, it's not uncommon to hook up on, you know, on a first meeting with someone that swing because they are, it's about physical. It's not about emotional and if you're into the person,

Speaker 2

no, it's just play. It's just fun. Um, and so on those, if she was gonna meet somebody while I was out of town, we always had a friend that she was like, okay, well I'm meeting this person at this time and I'm going to check in with you or however you had it set up where if you haven't heard from me by this time, call me and find out if I'm okay. So that's kind of what we would do. I know when we've ever met has ever seemed dangerous. Um, you know, we've never had an encounter or a relationship where it's like, oh wow, that was really scary. We need to like not be in that position again. It's always at worst it, eh, he sounded more interesting online. And then I met him. He wasn't that interesting, that type. Yeah, that's really the worst of it. So has anyone ever tried to get you out of his relationship take you as there's no or anything like that?

Speaker 1

No. I mean that's pretty, you know, as far as like in the poly, like in, in our poly life. I mean, that's been understood. I mean, I, I'm not planning on making a change. I'm not interested in making a change. I'm the, I up until a few weeks ago, um, I was in a longterm relationship. Um, he and I were together for six years and um, you know, it was never a, Oh, you should leave Shane and, and you know, come marry me. I mean it was just understood that this is, this is what this relationship looks like and these are the parameters. So I'm not saying that never happens with anybody because I mean, sure it surely does, but it hasn't been an issue with us. You're talking about other that talk? No, no,

Speaker 2

not with us. It hasn't been an issue. And that was a very serious relationship and they would go on vacation together. Um, so, uh, that was

Speaker 2

so, um, I was talking to a friend that I work with who was interested in sort of exploring in an open relationship with her boyfriend at that time. And that was one of the questions was, is there, is there a concern? And this, I would think this would be from people that don't understand open relationships too much. It's like, well, how do you know that someone's not going to come along and sweep her off her feet and take her away? I don't know that I mean, but, but I don't have to be in an open relationship for that to happen. There's married and monogamous couples that one partner leaves the other for somebody else. So if

Speaker 2

much like where she gets to decide who she wants to date, she gets to decide whether she wants to stay or not. I'm not, I can't control whether she decides that she wants to move on to another relationship and another state with another person or whatever. That's her decision. I can't force her to stay. I just hope she will. Um, so as long as our relationships working, I think she'll stay, uh, but even married people that say we have a perfect relationship, sometimes it's like they wake up and wow, I found out my husband's been cheating on me for three years and he's moving in with the ski bunny. Being open or closed, doesn't change, divorce it. If it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen. And so now I don't worry about it. Being in a relationship is always an emotional risk one that you choose to take and you trust each other.

Speaker 4

Did you, do you guys ever have conversations like you would have with your friend about the relationship that you're in? Like, so and so did this to this, you know, just like normal kinds of spots that people have. Like she would say come to you about that relationship she was in for six years and say, Hey John, or whatever his name is is doing this or what do you think I should do about that? Or is there any. No,

Speaker 2

um, I, I, I would like to say um, where like I'm, you know, we're married, I'm her husband, I'm her partner, um, and we have our relationship, but I'm also sort of um, you know, if it's, if it's when she's talking about something she's dating or is interested in dating, I kind of fall into, you know, the bff mode where I'm her, you know, her best girlfriend who's going to help her, you know, make that date work outright. And she'll say, you know, I was like, this is a cute outfit or whatever. And before she goes out

Speaker 2

some of the, some of the things where she'll talk about having a, I've, I've kinda gotten tripped on myself. Um, she will talk to me a little bit about some things that she's having issues with, but there are some things like with this longterm relationship, I know most of what's going on, but there's some things that she keeps that's between them that much. Like, I wouldn't talk about an issue she and I are having with my old best friend that, you know, when we go out and do whatever we do, I'm not going to say, oh, Alisha's doing this and I, there are certain things you talked about with other people in certain things you don't. So she does have. There are things that she does keep private. Um, and that's fine, but at the same time, yeah, we talked about, I talked to her about things that are going on with my relationship was like, okay, this is happening. How do I fix it? This is happening. Is this something I'm doing, you know, and I'll kind of roll out what happened and I'll say, is this my fault? Did I do something? And she'll say, no, it's, you know, whatever.

Speaker 1

So you need to apologize for that. You need to validate her a little bit, but it's really handy

Speaker 2

to have, um, to, for me to bounce these things off. If somebody that knows me really well and can kind of see through some of the things I don't often see. And she's like, yeah, you have a tendency to do that particular thing. And I'm pretty sure that's what upset that person. Um, so that's really convenient. Have you ever been friends with any of the girlfriends that he has? And.

Speaker 1

Yeah, his girlfriend now is one of my very best friends. Yeah. Yeah. We've been, we've been friends with them for, it'll be 11 years this summer. Um, and she is one of my super best friends. Right. Love her. Yeah. So then do you find yourself also Alicia, with the, with the women that you're friends with that he's dating, or do you find yourself what felt like a couple's counselor sometimes? Are they both talking to you? He, for the most part, for the most part, he keeps there,

Speaker 2

you know, their stuff

Speaker 1

within themselves. He may ask me like, oh, I think I upset someone can do. I said this shit. We know should I have said that? Um, and, you know, with she and I and they don't really have a lot of issues.

Speaker 2

The issue is this person I'm dating to say names or not. So this person that I'm dating, um, it's really an easy relationship. We get along really well. We don't have arguments. Um, it, it's, it's just a real comfortable friendship, you know, it hasn't really come up a friendship plus, so we don't have that. But I've had other shorter term relationships where I've had some, some issues where I'm like, okay, this is happening. And she's like, yeah, that's just [inaudible] that person is really high maintenance.

Speaker 1

Really getting them mixed up because it's his relationship don't need to be in the mix of it. Right.

Speaker 2

So this particular one doesn't come up much but. But I've asked for your help another.

Speaker 1

Yeah. And I don't really talk to her about anything that we have, although once in a while I'll text her and I'm like, oh my God, can you come get him? It's your turn tag. You're it. Wow. That sounds nice. Love you jeff. But yeah, they, they're friends, they hang out sometimes or if we go pick her up and I get in the back seat, he's like, ah, had enough of me so I can. I'm just going to sit right back here. Yeah, well it sounds like that really goes back to having the, that respect those boundaries with each other because he's not going to put you in a place to be triangulated or put in the middle of a relationship and you're not going to do that to him either. So going back to that open direct communication, the fact that y'all can talk to each other about anything and also the, the what, you know, not to share with each other because that would might be a burden that is not appropriate. Right. And we're not in a triad so it's not like putting the other person right against, you know, so yeah, she probably explained where the triad is. A triad would be if there were three of us and we were all dating each other in, in a relationship with each other. Right. So he's dating his girlfriend. I was dating my boyfriend. We weren't all dating together each other or if you were dating, if you, if your friend was, was also your girlfriend, it was his girlfriend. That would also be a triangle. Right.

Speaker 2

It's one unit together, but also she and I are in a relationship. She and the other girl or relationship. I'm the and the other girl. It was like, it's all inner woven.

Speaker 1

Yes. And that seems like that would be even more possibly more complicated to negotiate. I'm sure it is.

Speaker 2

It's, we've never had anything like that. Um, I think it would be very hard to find somebody that I was into that you were also into. That was also into both. I mean it's, it's Kinda like the jackpot

Speaker 1

kind of.

Speaker 2

I'm not saying that that's our goal, I'm just saying it's a hard thing to find. So, um, and I, you said something a minute ago and it just made me think of something, if, if there was a person that came along that was causing the by my dating, this person was causing conflict with my relationship at home. I would know if I was forced to make a choice, I would be like, I'm sorry I'm sticking with my longterm relationship here. Um, it hasn't come up. I hope it doesn't come up, but I'm. That kind of rolls into the, are you afraid that somebody's going to take her and try to take her away? Um, I would think that from both our points, if it was, if the outside relationship was causing conflict with our relationship, it would probably be stopped. It would, you know, that relationship would be. We don't like drama, not drama people. We don't like to have a bunch of arguments and stuff with other people or with each other.

Speaker 1

Well, I think that's a good point that you brought up too, is that you have an agreement whether spoken or unspoken, that this is your inside relationship. This is the highest priority relationship. And so that adds to the emotional safety that you both feel within this,

Speaker 2

right? Yeah. In the, in poly parlance, this is our primary primary. Okay. So this is our primary relationship and everything else is a secondary relationship. Some people don't like that because I'm the view, the term secondary is as lesser than, but we are married, you know, we own a house together, we have kids together. We're, I mean we're far more connected than any relationship. I start this week. Have you ever gone on a double date? Yes. Yes. What was that like? Um, I mean it was a little all we've,

Speaker 1

but in these long term relationships and so we are all know each other, are comfortable with each other, hang out, celebrate things together. So I don't know, I mean for, I like it, that's like my id

Speaker 2

deal. That's kind of my ideal

Speaker 1

polly view is we can all, when we do our own things, but then we can all hang out together and get along and

Speaker 2

be if a family, although not like living together family. Um, so yeah, I totally went off on a tangent there. I mean, have you ever gone on to like vacations or is this just like allowed or what? What kind of level are we talking about? You go to a dinner to go on vacation as a group, but now I have a limited amount of social energy for other people. I don't like a lot of other people. Um, so going like an evening if we're going to go out and have dinner and do something, whatever it may be, and hang out with a group, I'm okay with that. About the end of the night. I'm kinda done worn out with small talk and being polite in my language and things like that. Um, the idea of a week or even a weekend with other people where I have to be polite and social is just not something that sounds like fun to me.

Speaker 2

Right. That's okay. Yeah. So that goes back to that respect and acceptance of each other and know your limitations because I know that after a weekend her friend would be like, why are you with him? He's a jerk just because, you know, it's Kinda like being hangry where you get to a point where you're like, I can't be nice anymore. No energy and no filter, but at least I know this. Um, and she does, she's very social. She likes to hang out with, with the group. There's a couple of poly groups that were, were involved with where they do a poly dinner or you know, Bali, big neck or whatever. And um, and she really enjoys those. She likes hanging out with a bunch of other people. I don't enjoy them as much. Um, I would tend to take somebody I was dating and just sit over off to the side and just talk to Mike. The person I'm with, um, she likes to talk to everyone. So yeah, if it was a group vacation or weekend, Alicia would be very interested in going. I would not. So she would take a different boyfriend and they would probably have a great time.

Speaker 2

Next question.

Speaker 1

I have another question I was thinking of which is, you mentioned your children and I'm wondering how that, um, how that worked out with telling your children or was it like a gradual realization they had and then you, you explained to them when they were old enough or you've talked about how you did this later in your relationship. So I don't know what age your kids were and how that looks. Um, well let's see. Our kids are 26 and 28

Speaker 2

to, can I just do a side step for a second? So we were not telling anyone for a while because it was swinging and it was recreational sex with other people and it's not something you just tell family with the lifestyle. Not An identity at that. Pretty much. So when we, when it changed, we started having these discussions about who to tell and when. So virtually no one I work with know. So there's a couple of people that know, um, they're more conservative and everybody I work with knows and she aleisha told everyone she knows. But um, so there was this. So we were having conversations about who to tell and, and when and how. And while we were in these discussions, Alicia would call and say, so I told your mom and your aunt elise in. Yeah. So she told my mom, um, after our discussion about when and how she decided to go ahead and just do it anyway. I think it was one of these things. They were going to a shower. It was my mom and my aunt and Alicia. And was that it or anybody else, but it doesn't matter. And they were driving to Austin and she like, okay, well this is a great time to bring this up. Um,

Speaker 1

these cycles of it's no one's business, none, Dah, Dah, Dah,

Speaker 2

screw that. I should be able to be who I am and it should be able to be there and if they don't like it too bad. And I was in one of those little things at that point. So that was the same thing happened with our daughter where she's like, well, I don't know when we should tell her. And then next thing I know, she's like, oh yeah. So I told her, why do we have these conversations? How old was she? A 16. 17 hunter was 14. I thought. I don't remember teenagers. I guess I, I'm not good at timelines but I want to say hunter was 14 and that would make. And why shouldn't be saying names? Um, 1,717, you know, we were pretty liberal. We've raised them as you know, liberal parents. Um,

Speaker 2

they were like, Huh, okay, cool. Yeah. Our daughter is like, well it's not for me, but I for you. And she knows our other partners and has known them and boyfriends picked her up from the airport. Yeah. Um, and our son is his. He's just like, whatever. It's all good. He was funny because he was in high school and so he, I will be out of town and Alisha would have somebody that she's dating come over and they'd be just watching tv in the living room, you know, nothing, nothing big. And Hunter would like to bring a friend over and cut through the living room to his room. And his friend who would, they all knew me, um, would be like, who? Who's the guy sit on the couch holding hands with your mom. And it's like, oh, that's her boyfriend. Yeah. He liked the shock value. I really enjoyed being very nonchalant about it with friends and just kind of watching their face and that, that was his response was okay, I'm just gonna mess with my friend who has been good. So you can totally do that. So yeah, they're good. You hear about people who come out with some sort of alternative lifestyle and their family loses it. So we're been fortunate. Um, my, my mom has always been, if you're seeing somebody for a long time, I'd like to meet him and my dad. That's interesting. She's very liberal. My Dad is more of a don't ask, don't tell. He knows. Never brings it up, doesn't want to know anything else. He's just would rather just pretend it didn't happen. But most of our family is like, okay, whatever. So

Speaker 1

wow. I really hope you all enjoy learning about a polyamorous relationship as much as I did in part one of this two part series. We will be releasing the second part of the series on Tuesday, so please stay tuned for that. It will be fascinating. As always, I welcome your questions, comments, and love for you to be on the show. If you're interested, please email me@makelovenotwaratGmail.com. You can also contact me via twitter. My handle is at terra harrison. You can also support us on Patrion www.patrion.com/mate. More love, not war. Thanks for listening.