Women Release Your Sexual Beast
Transcript
Speaker 1
Hello and welcome to make love not war. I'm Tara Harrison, licensed professional counselor and relationship expert. I'm her husband Jeff Harrison. Have no qualifications whatsoever. Just a normal dude. Today we're going to talk about a very important topic that comes up a lot in it about communication. Women communicate in a very indirect manner. We talk around things, ask for things very indirectly. We kind of meander around as we're talking and other women can really pick this up because what we're doing is we are the point is in the middle of what we're saying, but we're walking around it and as we're talking to each other, we can intuit what the point is and we don't actually have to say it and we just picked that up. It's a super power that we have and that is very confusing for men because and when they talk they go right to a point.
Speaker 1
So as we're talking, they're trying to figure out what the point is and they're asking themselves, okay, what is she saying here? Is she asking for something? Is she telling me something she's feeling, am I supposed to respond with help or with reflection here? Um, sometimes I don't even know what she's saying because I'm just not following it all and it can get really frustrating for men and I hear that come up a lot and session where men are actually, they asked me, okay, this is what she said. Can you help me figure out what she meant? So I'm wondering, does that ever come up for you, Jeff? All the time? So we're going to address that today. I'd like to talk a little bit first about why women communicate so indirectly and there's, there's, um, biology behind it. And there's also socialization. I mean they, it's that whole nature versus nurture thing, right?
Speaker 1
So in another podcast I did mention the hunter gatherer brain women as gatherers communicating indirectly is this kind of sensing communication where you look at a lot more at body language and you intuit what's under what somebody says. And women really have evolved to be able to do that very well. But also there's, there's a socialization aspect of it. As women, we are told either directly or indirectly and we received this messages, this message in many forms, you can even, you can just look at ads and you'll see a women need to be smaller, they need to take up less space. Don't be a burden. You don't have needs. Your job is to serve others. We think about others before ourselves. If we don't do it naturally, we're told to and eventually we do. And so that really leads a lot. A lot of women have trouble asking for what they need because they don't feel worthy of it just right off the bat.
Speaker 1
Um, men are more socialized to. It's all about the ask, be direct, say what you need me, what you think, think what you mean. All of that kind of stuff. And they're really encouraged to communicate directly. So when we're working on trying to communicate with each other, we're also finding the way that we're socialized and these, these really strong messages that we've received. And the indirect messages are the most powerful because we don't even know we've received them. That's what women really are struggling with. So there is a little bit of biology are gatherer brains, but there is a lot of socialization to and we're fighting that all the time and that's what I see in sessions talking to women like homework I give is just if he asked you what, what restaurant you want to go to, tell him you want to go eat Chinese.
Speaker 1
Even if you he knew, you know, he doesn't like Chinese because we're always thinking what do you want to. So when you say, when you asked me Jeff, Tara, what do you want to do today? I go through my brain and I catalog. Well these are the things I would want to do. But Oh, I know he wouldn't want to do that. Oh, I know that. That would make him feel a little uncomfortable or maybe he would reject me for that. So I am checking those boxes off and eliminating them before I even say something I want to do. And then I'm going to say it tentatively so that I give you space to not want to do it because I am thinking about your needs before my own. And so it really takes a lot of brain hacks for women to be able to think first of what they need to be able to answer a direct question than a man asked in a direct manner.
Speaker 1
There's, it's like you're translating from Spanish to English and you're not a native speaker. So first you hear the English in your head and then you have to translate it to Spanish and then it comes out as Spanish and maybe you have your vowels wrong and things like that. So are your pronouns or whatever. That's what's going on in a woman's brain. And she's trying to answer a question directly to a man. It's much easier to answer. And our native language, and I know men struggle with the same thing when they're trying to interpret what a woman is saying because they have to take it from a direct mail language and figure out what is she saying under that? Whenever she says, um, let's just go eat whatever you want. She probably really means I really want some Chinese. I'm totally craving chicken, orange chicken, lemon, chicken, whatever. Chicken that she's craving, but she doesn't want to tell you because she just knows that you hate Chinese food.
Speaker 2
Yeah, but also whenever many times it will be, well, whatever you want to eat, and it's like, okay, well let's go get pizza. I don't really want to. Totally. I'm like, uh, I thought was whatever we wanted. Okay, well let's just go get some Mexican Mexican for lunch.
Speaker 1
Yes, and that's where women are struggling because they. When you asked her what is she wanting to eat now, sometimes you really don't know, but she may really know, but she doesn't want to say and it's easier in a way. I mean, I know this sounds weird, but it's easier for her to just say no to other things until maybe finally guessed the exact thing that she wants because then you're saying it and you're validating her need. You're validating Chinese food when you finally get to Chinese food because it's the last thing on your list. And she finally says, yes, that is what she wanted, but at saying it directly felt uncomfortable because she intuited that you might not want it. It's a lot going on, isn't it? Totally. Yeah. As women though, this is something that we need to work through. And in the last podcast we talked about regulating our own feelings.
Speaker 1
So a struggle for women is being able to be direct and uh, going back to worthiness, we are worthy of being able to ask for what we want and to get it. We are worthy of that. So that's what we have to work through as women to know, okay, if he's asking me where I want to go out to eat, I'm going to tell him. And even though he doesn't like Chinese food, he asked me so we're going to go. If he didn't want to take me out where I want to go, then he wouldn't have asked. When we asked, we're actually asking, where do you want to go? You're not saying, well, let's go out to eat, but not a place that I wouldn't want to go. Let's only go somewhere where I would want to go. And then we'll go eat something that I want to eat.
Speaker 1
And I know that sounds very meandering the way I said it, but it's kind of like how it shows up in our brains. He. So you said, where do you want to go eat? And I heard let's go out to eat. I'm not really sure where, but it needs to be a place we both like that's what. That's the question I heard. That's not what you asked, but that's how my brain interprets it. I used to write articles for magazines and it was a relationship column and I wrote an article about this exact subject and the article was called connecting the dots for better communication about how women, men and women can learn to communicate with each other better. And there's a scenario in it that I can't really recreate unless I read it. So I'm just going to read it out and jeff and I are going to dissect it.
Speaker 1
The scenario is is that one person is talking to another person about how they're moving and obviously I'm going to be taking the female perspective here and I'm going to say how I would say this. And then jeff and I were going to go through it as far as how he would respond and what that interpretation would look like. I have so many boxes to move and I only have my little car. It's going to take so many trips back and forth. I have to have it all done by Saturday because my in laws are coming for dinner and I am just so stress. I also have a doctor's appointment on Friday and if there are boxes in my car then I can't see out the rear window. The appointment is downtown and you know how nervous I get when I can't see what I'm driving and this is so much work and I'm just really feeling overwhelmed right now. Sounds like you need to get started moving center possible.
Speaker 1
So what I'm expecting from this statement that I made was I was making a plea for help. I'm talking about all these boxes in my car and I won't be able to see and how I need to get them moved. And in the back of my brain I know that Jeff has a truck and he could help me. He could help me with this so that I am not stressed out when I'm driving downtown. There'll be no boxes, but I'm uncomfortable with asking him for his truck because I don't want to feel like a burden to him and what if he has planned what if he doesn't want to let me borrow it. There could be a million scenarios of why he wouldn't want to let me borrow the truck, so I'm putting my need out in the hopes that he will understand that I need help with that and then he'll offer which will help alleviate my discomfort in asking for what I need, but all he heard was me just talking about how well, why don't you tell me what you heard? I'm just hearing
Speaker 2
all this stuff that you have to get done then, and my way of trying to come up with a solution and my solution is that you need to get started and get going. It's going to say it's going to take a lot of trips. Well, you probably have to start right now. I'm not even thinking that I have a truck or putting those two dots together. It's not even my, it's not even in my thought process because I'm just sitting there going, wow, that does sound like a lot of effort. You need to get going.
Speaker 1
So as you're listening to me, you're thinking about what you would do in that scenario and you would get started right away. So that's the advice you would want to give me. Exactly. Yeah. And that's not at all what I wanted from that. So my job really with that is to be able to think about what I need before I even talk to you about it or even. I mean I could do that vent and then throughout it realized, Oh, you know, I really need to ask him for the truck because he's not getting that. I need the truck not at all. And it's not an in, in this scenario, I think what happens is I feel like I clearly put my need out to you. I feel it that way because if I were saying this to another woman, she would know that that's what I'm saying.
Speaker 1
And then jeff replies the way he does because he truly is trying to be helpful because he's thinking about what he would do and he's telling me, but I'm feeling like he just knew what I wanted. He knew what I needed and he didn't want to provide it and then I'm feeling hurt about that and I'm like, wow, what a jerk. But I created that situation because I really didn't ask him. So if I had said, Hey Jeff, I'm moving tomorrow and I have no truck and I've got to put a bunch of boxes in my car and I just realized that you have a truck and I wonder if you could help me with this or I could borrow your truck. What would you say to that? I probably just grabbed my keys and throw it to you. Yeah. So you still didn't really get what I want in there because I was really hoping that you would help me.
Speaker 1
Right. So even as I'm talking about how to communicate directly, there's steps to it. So that was more direct, but this is what I really want. Jeff, I'm moving tomorrow and I really don't feel like I can do it all by myself. I know you have a truck. Could you get your truck and helped me with that tomorrow? Sure. What time 9:00 AM maybe got it will be there. So as I was describing this, I'm describing it in steps and this is the thing is change and being able to learn to do something different is very gradual and it goes in small steps. The first step in this and changing the way how I'm changing the ask from indirect to direct, the first thing really is is reckoning with my own worthiness and knowing that I am worthy of asking for what I need and getting what I need from somebody and the next step in that is figuring out what I need.
Speaker 1
I need Jeff's help moving and so it may even take a few times of asking a question just like we were showing you where I asked the question very indirectly and I get the response from him. I got, okay, now I need to work through my feelings on that first. My first feeling is, man, he's really being a jerk the way he responded and what the heck is up with him? I mean, he clearly knows I need help. Well, maybe he actually doesn't know because I didn't ask him directly and he really didn't. Okay, so the next thing I need to do is think about, okay, how can I express this need? And then I need to remind myself, you know what? I'm worthy of this need. Jeff wants to help me because hey, it makes me feel good to help other people. I'm giving him an opportunity to feel good by helping me.
Speaker 1
These are the things I can tell myself as I'm struggling to really ask for what I want directly. And then the next step is I asked Jeff and a second question and it was still not direct enough because what I really wanted him to help me. So the next question I asked him, I was still fishing for him to help me with that, to say yes, here's the truck and I'm going to help you. But then he tossed me the keys. Okay. I still didn't really ask that directly. He's still not getting it. I'm still giving him the benefit of the doubt, knowing that he really truly wants to help, but I need to help him help me by asking him exactly for what I need. So then I'm working through that in my mind and I'm saying, okay, he tossed me the keys. I know he knows I can't really drive a truck very well.
Speaker 1
And um, you know, like those make me nervous, so I'm sure he's not thinking about all those things. Like I might be thinking of those things, so I am going to have to rumble through this as Bernay Brown would say, and I'm going to have to figure out how to ask him even more directly what I need. So then I get to, Hey Jeff, I'm moving tomorrow. I don't have a truck. I know you have one, I need your truck and I need your help. And that was the direct question that he understood that he responded to. So that's really the breakdown of it. So it really is a translation you have to go through, not only translating the words but the the extra layer of this is translating the feelings that come with the words and working through those because it's not just how biologically our brains work, it's also all of the crap that goes with it that we have to work through to be able to communicate directly and know that you are worthy of asking for what you need and getting what you want.
Speaker 2
Yeah, you brought up a good point there. That's kind of funny that I could definitely see and I can see this happening where I would say a, a female would ask for my truck in the way that you did. And I would say, okay, fine here, here's the keys to my truck. Go knock yourself out. Go move your whatever you need to do. And she gets a key. She looks at the keys and then kind of looks at me. He goes, you know that I don't like driving trucks and did, that's bad. And I'd be like, no, I don't know that. And why did you just ask me for the truck if that's the case?
Speaker 1
Yes, yes. But you know, I told you a couple of weeks ago about that. I don't like to drive a truck. Jeff, why weren't you listening to me? No, I don't. Yes, it's just like when I walk into the house and I have all the groceries on my arm and I'm like, what a jerk. He didn't even offer to help. But did I ask for your help? No. So I've learned to call you as I'm pulling in and say, Hey, I have a trunk full of groceries. I need you to come out and you do it, you know, but me coming in, being a martyr with a bunch of groceries, feeling like you should just grab them is it's just not gonna work. It's me beating my head against the wall every time and it's setting me up for failure. It's setting you up for failure. Then we're both irritated and you know what? No sex is going to come with that. It's just, it's not good.
Speaker 2
Yeah. When you bring in a bunch of groceries or you're doing something and you're struggling with it, I don't know if it's insulting to help you out. You might be sitting there going, I got this. You know, I wouldn't have grabbed all these bags if I didn't have it. I mean, it feels like a no win situation.
Speaker 1
Ah, so you not offering to help with the groceries is your way of trying to empower me. Exactly what I like that spin. It's nice. What we're talking about here is we are working through the process of communication and a lot of couples therapy. There is a lot of talk about communication and how people communicate and being able to fix that and that really gets to the bottom of the issues people are having and that's really surface level. That's, you know, putting a bandaid on the issue because the communication and how you communicate is important, but there is a lot under that communication that involves understanding each other and really giving each other the benefit of the doubt and working through our own stuff as we communicate. So it is a pretty deep involved topic. And I will go into more of this and podcasts and if anyone has any questions for me, anything, any point you'd like me to go deeper in involved with this podcast or of course any other, please send me an email or you can tweet me.
Speaker 1
I'm at make love not war@Gmail.com. And then the twitter handle at terra harrison. So talking about questions though, leading into that, I did have a question that was written in I'd like to address today and uh, it was written in by desperately seeking connection. So this is the question after sex. I feel so connected to my husband, but to me I feel like it doesn't take long to lose that connection. Sometimes I feel like that's the only thing that really connects us. Even though we do things together, I don't feel that emotional closest. Like I would like maybe that's normal and how it's supposed to be. This is a great question and it goes back to the everyday work that we need to do in relationship and especially in long term relationships. And in an earlier podcast I talked about that this idea of limerence, which is a stage that lasts around 18 months to two years, and during that time that connection is really easy because that's when you're really doing the hard work and you because you want to, you're all excited and then a lot of times people, people get into a steady committed relationship and they just stopped doing the work.
Speaker 1
They kind of put their relationship on autopilot and that is the biggest mistake that leads couples into losing their friendship foundation. The biggest thing that you can do to maintain connection every day, and I'm going to. I'm going to cite research by John and Julie Gottman. They're amazing. They have a book called the seven principles for making marriage work and they will. They have tons of books, but. But that's what. This is what I'm citing. All their research is empirically validated. It's wonderful. One of the things they talk about is turning towards each other and these are very little everyday things you do to maintain connection. And it could be something as small as jeff is in the other room. He's watching something on TV. He wants to see. He calls out. He's. He's like, Tara, so I have a few options here. I was right in the middle of something and I'm a little irritated that he called me when I was doing something so I can respond in a few different ways.
Speaker 1
I can turn towards him and still honor my own needs and say, Hey Jeff, I'm, I'm just finishing something up and I'll be right there. I can turn against him and say, Jeff, I'm right in the middle of something. I don't want to come in there right now, or I can just turn away and not respond. Turning towards each other is the most powerful way to make those everyday connections. Me going over there when I'm done with my thing, letting him know first that I'm what he is wanting to show me as important by responding, um, I'll be there in a minute. Let me just finish this. And then I come in there and I look at it and I comment on it. Even if it's like the most boring thing in the world, to me, it's something that's important to him, so I'm going to look at it and I'm going to comment on it because it's important to him that is a small everyday connection that makes him feel loved and makes him feel respected, lets him know that I'm involved in his life and those are the little things that we tend to forget to do in relationships and those add up and they are huge, so everyday connection can just be as simple as me going into the other room.
Speaker 1
When Jeff calls me to look at what he's seeing on tv, it can be just as big as the other podcasts and we were talking about recreating dates and putting, you know, putting a lot of work into getting back to those limerence feelings, but it's really those everyday things that we do that maintain those connections and build a friendship. We cannot forget the friendship. When you're thinking of your partner, think of the work you would put into a friendship and continue to do that in your relationship.
Speaker 2
What do you think about the people that are doing stuff like messing with their phones and all that kind of stuff while their partners, somebody talking to them or something along those lines. So whether some of the issues you have come across with that.
Speaker 1
Yeah. You know, there's actually a term that I've heard that somebody told me it's called I'm flubbing I think, which is facebook snubbing, which is where you know, you're sitting together. A lot of couples do this. At the end of the day they sit together and they watched shows. That is a really great time that you can make an emotional connection just through touch. You're watching a show together, so maybe you're not talking, but you can be holding hands. You can be touching shoulders. You can be rubbing each others hair, laying in each other's laps. I mean it can go from, you know, zero to 10, but they're, well let's not go zero one to 10, but you, you can have any sort of even just a physical touch connection there. Even up to like pausing and talking about the show, if you all like to do that, some people can't stand that so you know, be respectful of each other, but what often happens, and I know I'm guilty of this too, is that one person will be watching the show and involved in any other persons there, but they're on their phones so they're really not present.
Speaker 1
Yeah. There's some times where we just need to disconnect and chill out, but when you're with each other, make those times count and really make that commitment to put your phone away because the message you're sending to the other person when you're on their phone, your phone while you're while you're with them, is that your phone is more important than them. I mean even if that's not really how you feel, that's how the other person is feeling that that's. That's your what your behavior is showing them because they're sitting right there in reality right next to you and that is an opportunity where you could be touching them. You could be looking at them, you could be connected to them. You could be sharing an experience with them even if it's just watching the show. You have that opportunity and you are choosing not to take it.
Speaker 1
You are making a choice by being on your phone, not to take the opportunity. That is really hurtful. When you're on your phone and they're right next to you, they're thinking, well, am I not enough for you to be off your phone like what is on that phone that's so important and most of the time it's nothing in the end. My advice to deborah desperately seeking connection is to be the change you want to see. If you're really missing that connection, then start working really hard to create it and maybe then you can figure out through this process what you need to connect to someone and as you're figuring that out, you can then communicate that with your husband. Maybe you figure out, well, the thing I really miss is us being curious about each other's lives on your side. You can start working on being more curious about his life and asking him things.
Speaker 1
Just trying to think of quite different questions to maybe try to think of something is, is there anything you haven't talked about right? I'm sure that you could find something you can even. I mean you google questions to ask each other, you know, there's tons of that kind of stuff. Just start doing that. Then do you feel more connected? Well, no. Okay. Well is it more touch you need start touching him more and see if how that feels and kind of go through figuring out your own needs and then you can be able to tell him, hey, you know, I've noticed that I've been feeling less connected and that would give maybe give him the opportunity also to talk about his feelings around that if he's also feeling it or not, but then after you figured out what you need, you can tell him. I realized that I need us to talk daily.
Speaker 1
I have some clients that have a great way to do that. He goes to work early, so she wakes up at 5:30 in the morning. I don't know. I mean I think that's awesome. I don't know that I would do that for anybody but props to her and she wakes up at 5:30 in the morning so they can have coffee together and that really connects them for the day that those are the kinds of things you can figure out what are the things that we can do that can connect us for the day and a lot of times it's good to have a morning and evening connection so where you can feel like you connect, you know, two times in a meaningful way during the day and it can be just as simple as having coffee together, but maybe your needs are different. Maybe you need a few texts during the day.
Speaker 1
Maybe you need a little phone call during lunch to feel connected. Those are the things you can start thinking of and maybe you can journal those needs and try to figure them out and that way when you come back to talk to your husband, you'll be able to give him a game plan because it really helps for men to know how to go about this. Come to him with the issue. Give it some time to figure out what it is you need and then let him know, hey, I have a game plan for this. What do you think? You can both have input and ideas of how you can connect together better. All great stuff. So the recap for today's episode is really about being able to ask for what you need and know that you're worthy of receiving it. Those are things that we need to work through internally to be able to be direct and our questions and be direct our needs to each other so that we can be fully authentic in our connections with each other.
Speaker 1
Some books to check out for that. Um, again, I referenced Bernay Brown for worthiness. Going back to John and Julie Gottman have amazing research that they have actually created a love lab where they have studied how couples interact with each other and they can predict from how couples argue 95 percent accuracy. They can predict divorce and marriage. So it's, it's pretty interesting research. But anyway, going back to the point is they have great research on helping couples be able to interact in more meaningful ways that help them feel more connected. So I receive all of their books. The one I talked about today in the podcast to reiterate is the seven principles for making marriage work and really it's not just marriage, it's, it's any intimate relationship. So I think that it would work for any sort of longterm relationship than the one spent in. So those are great resources for today.
Speaker 1
So the big recap is learning how to be more direct with each other and that requires some rumbling through what do I really need and knowing that you're worthy of that need and then being able to state the need in a way the other person can understand and giving each other the benefit of the doubt when we don't understand and working through that together. As always, I welcome your feedback. If you have any questions, if you want to be on the show, please email me at mate. More love not war@Gmail.com or my twitter handle is at terra harrison. And thanks for listening.